Today was a pretty calm day. I’m not cycling as bad… maybe the meds are finally starting to work? I can only hope! At least I am taking them this time around like I am supposed to.

I asked D to take me to the pond/lake on the back of the property here today. We went and I wrote an entry in my “travel journal” while I let my line lay in wait for a catfish to take the bait. I wasn’t disappointed.

I ended up catching and releasing two small catfish and four Red Eyes. I had a nice time.

Just watching my husband fish is fun. He is so intense about it. LOL

I sat and watched the sun’s rays trickle through the gently blowing treetops. The reflections made the falling leaves of many colors glimmer as if made of gold foil. It was a very pretty sight and then with Mother Nature’s symphony of birds, crickets, jumping fish and the sound of rustling leaves… it just made it wonderful.

I think I am going to start going to that spot during the middle of the day when kids are still in school. There were too many teen-aged and under voices for my taste. I wanted silence… nothing but the sound of nature.

I might just do that Monday after getting all the errands done that I can’t ignore. Monday morning is full of different appointments I have to take care of. Yippy Skippy… not.

The weekend is going smoothly. I hope it continues.

I hope your weekend is calm and relaxing. See you soon.

Full Grown Woman
By Stormy Stevens © 9/02, All Rights Reserved

There’s a little girl
not far away

All she wants to do
is go outside and play

She doesn’t want a fortune
or a bed made out of gold

She just wants to play
before she gets too old

She wants to feel the grass
under her bare feet

She wants to climb a tree
and hear the baby birds peep

She wants to feel the sun
shining on her face

Without the barrier of a window
that is put into place

She wants to run through the flowers
without hurting their growth

She wants to learn to hopscotch
and how to jump a rope

But she isn’t allowed to go outside
especially all alone

And mama doesn’t feel like watching her
so she must stay within her home

Mama is too busy,
at least that’s what she said

So the little girl
plays beside her bed

Mama needs her rest
or so her story goes

So the little girl
falls deeper in her hole

Mama has to go out tonight
that is what she claims

So the little girl
feels she is to blame

Mama has a headache now
that is how she acts

So the little girl
gives up and she starts to pack

Mama doesn’t have time
and brushes her away

So the little girl
decides to leave instead of stay

“Goodbye mama,” the little girl
whispers as she walks out the door

You really hurt me
all the way down to my core

I hope you get better
from all your common pains

I hope by me leaving
doesn’t drive you insane

I am leaving here and
this prison of a house

So now you have time to
devote to your boyfriend,
the louse.

Be happy and don’t worry
I’ll make it on my own

Because mama, when you
weren’t looking

I became a woman
Full grown.

It was a rough weekend. I just kindof stayed off to myself except for the posting on my bipolar community.

I had an “eureka” moment and now the dam is broken and memories of childhood that I would rather not remember are flooding over me.

Anyway, just wanted to pop in and let you all know that I’m okay, just climbing out of the abyss of another depression cycle.

Some of my poetry…

The 12 Steps for Bipolar Disorder
As adapted By: Stormy © September 3, 2002

1. I admitted I was powerless over Bipolar Disorder – that my life had become   
   unmanageable.

2. I came to believe that I needed someone other than myself to help me restore myself to
    good mental health.

3. I made a decision to turn my trust over to the care of a professional.

4. I made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.

5. I admitted to myself and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs while I
   was not receiving treatment and thought I could handle my illness on my own.

6. I was entirely ready to have a professional remove all these defects of character and
    admitted that I had to help myself in that process.

7. I humbly asked myself as well as my loved ones to help me remove my shortcomings.

8. I made a list of all persons I had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them
    all.

9. I made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would
    injure them or others.

10. I continued to take personal inventory and when I was wrong, I promptly admitted it.

11. I sought through treatment and my own means, to improve my conscious contact with
      my illness as I understood it, asking only for knowledge of wellness for me and the
      power to continue my treatment, even when I felt better.

First, I want to thank Belindaann38 for the kind words on my blog on the 17th. I really appreciated your words.

I appreciate everyone that reads here and I hope that in some way I help people or provide some insight to Bipolar Disorder.

Its been a day. Mixed states still. I need to get my klonipin filled. I don’t want to wait until next Thursday. We’ll see. I don’t even know how much its going to cost. My pdoc said it was pretty cheap since they have a generic form of it. That was encouraging.

There are three workbooks in route to me. The USPS site says that they got it in Cincinatee (sp?) this morning. It would be great if it came tomorrow but I am not holding my breath since we’re talking about the US postal system here. Especially in my town. It’s slower then a turtle on crutches.

I’m sitting here listening to Pink’s first album. It never fails to amaze me… the messages her music carries. I need to download the rest of her second album. I have part of it. So far I like EVERY song that is on both that I have.

I normally don’t have the radio or anything on when I am sitting here alone… I value the peace and quit. Noise tends to be a trigger for me. I don’t mind her music though. I like it. LOL Me, a 33 year old woman. Imagine that.

I’ve been working through my book, The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron (see below for a link for it) again. I do morning pages each day, but I have gotten back to the actual book, which is a good thing. It helps to focus on my other projects, like KEY and of course TMP. I have a lot of work to do for both and I am working on three other websites for a client. I have two done… well the second one is up in the air until I hear back from her. I sent her the link for it to see if that was what she was wanting. It’s pretty awesome, in my opinon, but then, I may be biased since I did the graphic work and the layout and she supplied the content (text) for it. I just formatted the text.

KEY has its own domain name, www.keysofknowledge.com but my year is up on 10/03 and I am not going to renew it. I’m just going to run it off of Mystical Rythms.com . It fits in well with that.

I want to start work on Stormy’s Place too. I moved it to Stormy’s Solutions. There is no since in renewing that domain name either. I’ll just sit it on my solutions site like I did with D’s site. Wow, I hope that is the correct URL. LOL. I am sure it is though.

Then, of course, is the ongoing projects like The Den, The Dark Side, Queen Asia’s life and this blog site. It sounds like too many when I list them, but I keep up pretty well and then add into that mix my BP communtiy where I was just given the honor of being a community leader! I am so honored over that! I hope I do those that put me in that position a good job. I’m going to give my whole self like I always. They made me the community leader of the “Creative Expressions” folder on the Light side of the community. The kicker is that the creative writings that go in there doesn’t have to *be* light. Just people’s writing work and such. I think it’s pretty cool.

Well, time to take my meds. Hope everyone is okay.

Went to the pdoc today. He upped my dosage of Zyprexa to 20mgs daily and added Klonipin to the mixture of Neurontin, Buspar, Zyprexa and Lamictal.

This is my second week on Lamictal and the dose increased from 50mg in the morning to 50mg in the morning and another 50mg in the afternoon. It takes five weeks to get up to the max dosage, which is where I am headed, slowly, but surely because that is part of the treatment plan.

Anyway, I found this article to be pretty interesting and thought I would share it this evening:

The following article can be found at:HealthyPlace.com Bipolar Disorder, Manic-Depression Community

Studies Indicate Zyprexa Better Than Lithium in Controlling Mania

Data from a yearlong study of Eli Lilly & Co.’s Zyprexa indicated the drug was more helpful than lithium in helping patients with bipolar disorder remain in remission and in preventing relapse into mania.

In a press release Monday, the drug company said the study showed that patients taking Zyprexa relapsed into mania only half as often as those taking lithium, the standard of care for stabilizing mood in bipolar disorder.

In addition, significantly more Zyprexa-treated patients completed the study and significantly fewer were hospitalized, Lilly said.

The two drugs were comparable in preventing relapse into depression.

Zyprexa is currently indicated for the treatment of schizophrenia, short-term treatment of acute manic episodes associated with bipolar disorder and for long-term therapy and maintenance of treatment response of schizophrenia.

The most common side effect of Zyprexa is drowsiness, with dizziness, weight gain, constipation, restlessness and postural hypotension also commonly occurring.

I have a pdoc appointment today at 3:30 PM CST. My only hope at this point is that he doesn’t change my meds because I want to give them time to work. I’m really worried that he is going to change them. Hmm… wonder if that is what triggered the depression cycle I find myself in at this point? I don’t know.

I’ll have to write more later. I don’t much feel like blogging right now. *sigh*

Here’s something I wrote yesterday that I thought I would share…

Somebody Else
By Stormy Stevens © 9/16/02

Personal Entry…

Mixed states pretty much bite. I can’t seem to get out of mine.

I look back today, at all I have done last week, last two weeks and think, “WOW! Did *I* get *ALL* of that accomplished?” *heavy sigh*

I’ve been, or so it seems, in a depressed state of mind since the wee-hours of the morning. I didn’t go to bed *again* until 5AM and I got up at 10AM. Five whole hours.

I’m staying up 30 to 37+ hours and then sleeping for two to five hours, on one occasion I did sleep for 11 hours. But then my sleep isn’t solid. Its interrupted by vivid nightmares and dreams. I don’t even get any peace while sleeping, so what’s the point? So I go and go and go until my body just shuts off… running out of gas.

I’m so sick of being sick. I’m so tired of being tired.

I’m taking my meds religiously… not skipping doses, not stopping them on my own and I know I have to give the new meds time to work. I made a commitment to myself to “stick with the program,” this time. I’m not going to go back on my word.

But days like this are so hard. I don’t want to do anything. Hell, it seems like I *can’t* do anything; so I sit.

I feel the cycles run through me, my mind racing a dozen different directions and, at the same time, no direction at all… stagnant. *sigh* I just want to be better. I want to have *normal* energy. I want to BE normal!!!!!!!!!!!!

I get mad because I am the way I am. I’m mad that I have this screwed up brain. I’m mad because everyone I love has had to *deal* with my mood swings. I’m mad even more so because they are *used to it*!!! Why should they HAVE to be *USED* to it in the first place?!?! I don’t like putting them through *MY* hell! It’s not fair to them!

What choice do I have though? All my masks are broken when it comes to them. I try to bottle it all inside and fail at that too… they see through it, hence the mask comment… my SOCIAL masks with them… they’re all broken and lay in shambles around me.

I cry in the night when no one can hear me.
I cry in private where no one can see me.
I hurt so much inside and want it all out of me.
The pain, I suppose, is bearable because I’m shouldering it, but I feel like I’m ready to fall. I feel like *I’m* going to crumble… the rock that I feel I am supposed to be is cracked in so many places and its hard and getting harder to hold it all together.

I’m glad I have my pdoc appointment tomorrow. Maybe he can help. Maybe he can suggest some ways for me to help myself.

Why do I have to be bipolar? Why does ANYONE have to suffer with this damned disease? Why can’t they just find a cure? What’s wrong with me? I’m bipolar, yeah, but what’s REALLY wrong with me?

Gods, I feel like such a whiner and such a loser.

*heavy sigh*

Personal Entry…

Well, for the last week my sleeping patterns have been less then desirable…. staying up for 37 hours, sleeping two or three and then up to do it all over again. It’s not fun.

Many BPers suffer from sleep disorders. I just look upon it like that’s just a part of me… the jigsaw puzzle.

Within the BP online community I am a part of, they have a section on sleep disorders that those with mental illnesses often go through. Insomnia, sleeping too much, vivid dreams, the whole nine yards.

I just want to sleep like normal people. I don’t like the “up and at’em” periods when I’m so wired I can’t sit still (mania) or I’m so sleepy I can’t do anything but sleep (usually with me that is in depression cycles). Oh well, want in one had and shit in the other and see which one gets fuller faster. Right? (Forgive my toilet talk, no pun intended)

Today is such a blah day. There are parts of me that are wanting to do things… write, read, clean, whatever; and then other parts of me that are just wanting to sit around and vegetate, forget that I can move and just “be.” *sigh* Mixed states suck. One or the other, ya know? But me… No, I have to be in this thing they call mixed states and I hate it! It, in and of itself drives me bonkers!

When I’m just hypomanic or even manic I get creative. Just like when I started here on Xanga. I have since turned my first blog account into my bitch blog, but that is where I started. When I left an online competition I was a part of, I created the den here in Xanga land and then Queen Asia’s site came along. I have another too, but I never work on that one. I’m hoping that Xanga will, eventually, just scrap that site.

Its not bad enough that I have to deal with my disorder, but people in this neighborhood just have to add to it! I just went down to a guy’s place whose kid got his ass whipped by my youngest, who is also bipolar, because that kid started with my kid and my kid defended himself.

Once the entire story got it, seems this guy’s kid was shooting a bb gun at all the other kids and then got up in my son’s face. My son, defending himself, knocked the living shit out of this other kid then I find out that the other kid’s dad jumped MY son’s shit. OH HELL NO!

So then I went down and put that guy and his kids in their place and there wasn’t much he could say about the entire ordeal since I had half the neighborhood as eye witnesses and his kids were caught in their lies.

I told him to keep his brats in his part of the neighborhood and I would keep mine in our part. This is ridiculous.

The manager and owners of this place have been looking for a reason to boot these people out as it is. They may just get one come tomorrow morning when the office opens.

Okay, starting to rant. I’ll save that for my bitch blog. It doesn’t belong here.

The following is the lyrics for Pink’s “Don’t Let Me Get Me”… I feel like she was taking the words right out of the recesses of my mind….

Don’t Let Me Get Me
Written by Pink & D. Austin
Published by Pink Publishing Designee/EMI-April Music, Inc.
(ASCAP)/Cyptron Music/EMI-Blackwood Music Inc. (BMI)

I never win 1st place
I don’t support the team
I can’t take direction
And my socks are never clean
Teachers dated me
My parents hated me
I was always in a fight
‘Cause I can’t do nothing right

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
Can’t take the person staring back at me

I’m a hazard to myself
Don’t let me get me
I’m my own worst enemy
It’s bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don’t want to be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else
 
LA told me
You’ll be a pop star
All you have to change
Is everything you are
Tired of being compared
To damn Britney Spears
She’s so pretty
That just ain’t me

So doctor doctor won’t you please prescribe me something
A day in the life of someone else

Produced & Arranged by Dallas Austin for DARP, Inc.
Recorded by Carlton Lynn at Pinetree Studios, Miami Beach, FL & DARP Studios, Atlanta, GA
Assisted by Doug Harms
Mixed by Dave Way at Larrabee Studios North, North Hollywood, CA
Mix Assistant: Tim LeBlanc
Background Vocals: Pink
MIDI & Sound Design: Rick Sheppard

Lyrics reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.