I finally called the psychologist that my psychiatrist wants me to go to for therapy and made my first, initial appointment with her.

I go to see her on this coming Wednesday, July 23rd.

I’m really nervous about it. In all honesty, I’m downright scared about it.

Just the idea that I am going to be talking about my past and opening up wounds that I have kept buried inside for so long scares the living hell out of me and I wonder how I am going to be able to handle it.

I go to see my regular pdoc on Friday too, so that is good. It’s like right after seeing her. I think he will be pleased that I finally bit the bullet and went and seen her.

It certainly took me long enough to get the courage up to call her and set the appointment to go!

I was honest with her on the phone too (oh yeah, she answers her own phone!!), and told her that I was scared to death about coming and seeing her. She asked me to just not stand her up and I promised her that I wouldn’t and I won’t either.

But I’m terrified. What if I can’t open up to her? What if I can’t bring myself to talk about anything? *sigh* I know I need her help. I know she won’t hurt me and that she is there to help. So why in the hell am I so scared?

14 days since my last blog. That is exactly two weeks. Imagine that.

We went camping on the 2nd and came home on the 5th. We would have stayed until the 6th but we got flooded out. Hell, all of Indiana, it seems, is getting flooded. We certainly have had the lion’s share of the rain this week!

The camping trip was, dare I say it, fun! I enjoyed it immensely! It was just what I needed. It was what D and I BOTH needed… we needed to get away from here. It refreshed both of us.

I got my meds finally and am now back on them full time! I am doing so much better! I’m back to my regular self… the self that is doing very well. The one that can concentrate, the one that is creative, the one that is full of energy and gets things done, ect., ect.

I have my pdoc appointment tomorrow afternoon and to be honest with you, at this very moment… 4:07 AM, I don’t want to go. I don’t want to take the time to go. I know I have to though. I just hate to leave the house. I would rather stay home and stay inside.

I know, I know. That’s the agoraphobia talking, but I can’t help it. Hey, at least I am doing better in those other aspects… just not the agoraphobia one all the time. The camping trip was a MAJOR coo for me, you see?! I was away from home for THREE DAYS AND NIGHTS!!!! Yeah, I got antsy and anxious but I steadied myself and did NOT have a full blown panic attack so I am pretty proud of that!

We were around a lot of people on the beach too. The only time I got really panic-y is on the 4th when the teenagers were shooting fireworks at each other and were just not being safe with them. Fireworks make me a nervous wreck anyway as it is. I finally had to get up and go inside the club house because I couldn’t take it anymore and then that didn’t suffice either and I ended up having to go back down to our campsite to get away from all the commotion. But over all the whole trip went rather well.

Anyway, I got off track. I *AM* going to my appointment, I just hate taking the time and energy to do it. LOL. Its really not funny. I suppose that I am making excuses for my not wanting to leave the house.

Every time I go to see him I feel like I am going to the principal’s office or something and I don’t know why. He’s never once done anything that would cause me to feel that way. He has never been judgmental of me or anything like that and he has never threatened me. I don’t know why I get feelings of trepidation when I go to see him. He’s the nicest guy you’d ever want to meet and I get very upset with myself because I feel like I do. Its unwarrented, but I can’t seem to make myself stop it! Grrr! I get mad at myself for it, ya know?

Anyway, I’ll be going there today and I *am* scared that he will be a little put off by the fact that I upped my wellbutrin without asking him first. Maybe that is why I have this feeling of doom and gloom. I can’t remember if I had talked to him about wanting to up it the last time I seen him or not. *sigh* Well, if he doesn’t like it then he can tell me to back off on it, but I have had incredible results since raising my dosage along with taking the Geodon. Surly, he will see that. I hope so anyway.

Well folks I am going to go for now. I am cleaning out my computer. I’m getting a new tower/hard drive tomorrow from the place I have my computer through because this one SUCKS! I have had to burn EVERYTHING to disc… not an easy task with as much stuff as I have on this thing, lemme tell ya! But, I got that part done. Now I am just clearing things off here that I don’t want anyone else to get hold of. FUN, FUN, FUN…. NOT. LOL

I hope everyone out there is doing well! Talk to you soon!