Thanks Mimi for sending this to me!
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
October 16, 2002
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Went to my pdoc visit today. I have gained 12 pounds and am swelled like a giant weather balloon since being put on the Zyprexa. My feet themselves look like overfilled waterballoons on the ends of my legs. Skin stretched so tight that it’s shiney.
So pdoc took me off the zyprexa AND the neurontin! Yea for me! Then he added in Topamax. So now I am on:
Topamax, 25mg twice daily for first seven days, then 50mg twice daily for the next 7 after that and will gradually increase to the max dose.
I’m still on the klonipin, buspar and Lamictal as well.
Getting that medication cocktail right is hard work, but we’ll get there. I know we will.
I was highly agitated today. Spilled it all out on my BP community forum’s folder labled, “Get it off your chest,” I HAD to vent. I was upset, agitated, pissed off, depressed, crying, the whole gambit of emotions today. It was a very rough day. I feel a little calmer now that the klonipin has kicked in with the buspar.
I got a little aggravated with a poster here who commented that having a split personality “COULDN’T” be just two personalities. It most certainly can. *I* did research on it as soon as my pdoc suggested it. AND to suggest that I find another pdoc because of that aggravated me. I am very happy with my pdoc. I trust him 300% and he is the best pdoc I have ever had since being diagnosed 16 years ago and I have been to several pdocs over that time span as well as therapists and counslers and the whole thing.
I’m not saying this to tick you off, I am just stating MY position on your comment. That was actually part of my agitation today. Sorry.
Anyway, my visit with my pdoc went well even though I was in a mixed state, STILL. We know we have a rocky road to travel, but I am willing and committed to traveling it. I went without treatment for far too long, knowing better then to do it and now I have to go through the whole thing basically from the beginning again, but at least we have my medical history to get a few clues from this time.
I will be starting tomorrow to get the support group meeting place ready for the first meeting. We have a total of six people now wanting to meet for group support so I have to get busy getting the three bedroom-two bath trailer that was GIVEN to us for FREE ready for that. I’ll be using the large bedroom in the back for my office and retreat space… it faces the woods and then the large bedroom up front will serve as a guest room for when we have overnight visitors. The middle bedroom is going to become D’s workshop for his woodworking and then the large living room and adjoining kitchen with a curved bar seperating the two will be for the bipolar support group meetings. Pretty cool, eh? And we don’t have to pay lot rent on it until January. Even cooler! Its all going to be so great when we get it all fixed up.
We’re doing the immediate needs right now so we can get it ready for my first meeting with the BPSG. That is priority one. If I can’t get it ready soon, then I am going to ask the management here if we can hold the meeting in the office house. If we can’t, then maybe we can hold it at E’s house if she will put the dog up. I don’t have enough room at my place or I would gladly host it here. I’ll find a place. That won’t be a problem. I would just like to have them all, including the first one at the BPS trailer.
Well folks, I just wanted to let you know how the day went. Talk to you soon.
October 14, 2002
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Wow, what a roller coaster of a day! Mixed state all day long!
I was agitated when I got up this morning and knew I had no business whatsoever going out of the house, but I did. I needed pop and cigarettes and didn’t want to wait for D to get up and go get them. Big mistake. By the time I got back home I felt like popping the store’s cashier’s head off her body and that everyone on the road must have gotten their licenses at a K-Mart blue light special! Road rage in conjunction with my unstable mood, switching back and forth between the two personalities… it just was not good.
I came home and took my meds. Thank the Gods and Goddesses for my meds! I was still agitated all day. I even stayed away from this computer! I watched “Panic Room” (Yeah, like that was good for me to watch) and I tried to read, but I can’t concentrate long enough to read and that pisses me off to no end because I LOVE to read! I collect books, am an avid reader and now this damned disease is interferring with that too. It takes away everything!
The BP support group that I started is starting to bloom. I’m starting to get calls. I have got to get busy on the meeting place that I am setting up for that. I’m glad I can help these people.
I’m not going to write much right now. I can’t concentrate. I’ve set here for an hour now trying to write this. More soon, promise.
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Darkness surrounds me, shrouding me against the light
I’m tired of caring, I’m tired of the fight.
Take this med, take that med, these meds might help too
Can’t you see I just want to be one person, maybe normal like you?
I missed a med, oh my god, the world is going to end
If they are so important to you, you take them then!
I hate the depression and would rather be manic
I know you hate to hear me say that, it puts you in a panic
But I know what I am, I know how I feel
and I’m sorry, but it’s not cured with the pills
I want to laugh, to dance, to play the day away
But I can’t because the depression always keeps me at bay
The person trapped inside of me, is happy and carefree
Why can’t she be on the outside looking in at me?
I hate the pills, the meds, the cocktails
Will it ever end?
So I keep chugging along, hoping that
Elusive cure is around the next bend.
October 12, 2002
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Some wonderful quotes that my good friend, Lia, posted to our group.
I wanted to share them here. I hope you like them. I know that I will be listening, or rather
keeping in mind, a lot of them!
Some here may prefer logic to faith, be suspicious of that they cannot see. I simply ask that you read the first quote before reading the rest
Quotes on Faith
1/ Treat the other man’s faith gently; it is all he has to believe with. His mind was created for his own thoughts, not yours or mine.
2/ Whatever God’s dream about man may be, it seems certain it cannot come true unless man cooperates
3/ Faith makes yesterday a stepping stone, today a new beginning, tomorrow a limitless possibility.
4/ Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith.
5/ Faith is different from proof; the latter is human, the former is a Gift from God
6/ Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark.
7/ Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe.
8/ Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step
9/ Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation.
10/ It’s lack of faith that makes people afraid of meeting challenges, and I believe in myself.
11/ He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses much more, He who loses faith, loses all
12/ Faith is an oasis in the heart which will never be reached by the caravan of thinking
13/ A little faith will bring your soul to heaven; A great faith will bring heaven to your soul.
And may favourite for this week…
“When you get to the end of all the light you know and it’s time to step into the darkness of the unknown,
faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen:
Either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught how to fly….”
October 11, 2002
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I can’t describe, in mere words, what that deep, dank pit of depression feels like. It is a lonely, solitary place that no one can reach you when you are deep within it. It feels like all is lost and hopeless and that you will NEVER feel better again.
The dolphins lead me through the darkness of the inky black sea when I lost sight of the lighthouse that would lead me home.
I was lost in the chasm of eternal night, not knowing which way to turn or which direction to go. Lost in the sea of what laymen call “depression,” but what we know as the “abyss.”
You, literally, forget what it ever felt like to feel good, to feel happy, to feel like a whole person.
Depression doesn’t just make you listless and sad. You hurt, physically as well. Minor aches and pains become mind-blowing pains throughout your body. You just want it all to STOP but you don’t know how to make it stop. You feel powerless, like your life is no longer your own and you don’t know how to take it back.
You throw your hands up in the air and say, “Fuck it, why bother? What can I do that will make it any better? Why even try?”
So what do you do? You get help, that’s what! You go to your priest, minister, mother, father, school couseler, your best friend, whomever, but you TELL someone! You TRY to explain to them how you feel and ASK for help!
I know exactly where I would be right now if I hadn’t asked for help. I was on a path of self-destruction so bad that I hurt others along the way. I regret that deeply. I never meant to hurt anyone else with my actions, I couldn’t see that I even was! I was blind to what I was doing, things I was saying, ways I was acting! I didn’t care! I took too many dangerous risks like getting so drunk I could barely walk, but I got in my car each and every night and drove home… only to wake in the morning, in my bed, not knowing how in the world that I got there, only remembering getting in the car at the bar after the night’s set was over (I sang in the band). Driving drunk is not only stupid, it’s dangerous! What would I have done had I killed someone?! Thank the Gods I didn’t!
But at the time, I just didn’t care. All I cared about was dulling the pain and the drugs and the alcohol were my way of doing it along with the cutting of myself. Yes, I am a recovering cutter. Not a fun thing to do.
Why do cutters cut? Because that is the ONLY pain that we can control. Its the only pain that we can start and stop and when we cut we concentrate on the pain that we’re inflicting upon ourselves and it takes the mind off the other pains that we are feeling.
Are we morons because we’re depressed? Are we stupid because we’re manics? Are we insane because we’re cutters? NO. Most of us that are bipolar are very intelligent people with college degrees. Most of us are creative as hell. Most of us are people, just like you. We just happen to have a chemical imbalance in our brain, so yeah, it really is “all in our heads.” Imagine that.
What causes it? The neurons in the brain misfire. They send the wrong chemicals at the wrong time and our actions, emotions and senses suffer for it. We say things we don’t mean, we do things we wouldn’t normally do, it’s like we’re an entirely different person.
I found out the other day… my last pdoc appointment, as a matter of fact, that I have a split personality disorder. Yep, I’m two different beings. Just can’t contain all this stuff into one person, eh?
My other personality is a raging bitch. You may have met her. She often blogs on her bitch blog here in Xanga. She’s not nice. She says really bad things and I don’t like her much, but she is a part of who I am and I have to get a handle on her.
Thank the Gods and Goddesses for medications! Medications, meditations, affirmations, counseling, friends, doctors, support groups… all my lifelines. All that goes into keeping me on an even latitude.
The support system. Very, very important.
Sorry I went off on a tagent there. I’m a little hypomanic I think. Better then the depression I’ve been in for the last two weeks. I hate that dark and dank place. I’d much rather be hypo or even manic then in the depression.
If you have read this far, I thank you. If you haven’t, I will understand. Much love and peace to all.
October 7, 2002
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Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to NOT be depressed. But I know that I can’t give up and that I have to stick with my treatment plan. I keep that foremost in my mind when I start feeling like this.
Well if this is how I’ve felt lately. I thought it was a great picture to go with all the crappy feelings of uselessness, unworthiness, plain-out ugliness and all the other negetive “less” words that I can’t think of at the moment.
At least I did get dressed today. I put on one of my favorite sweaters and a pair of leggings that go with it. I even put on socks and that is a biggy for me since I abhore wearing shoes and socks! I’d rather go barefoot all year round. They’re just too constricting.
Yes, I have been taking my meds like a good girl. The Klonipin messes with me a little bit, but I am getting used to it. It does help calm me down, that’s for sure. I’m still fighting with depression though.
Halloween is coming up and that’s a good thing. It happens to be my favorite holiday unlike most people that name “Christmas” as their favorite. Personally, if I didn’t have kids, I wouldn’t even celebrate Xmas. It’s too commercialized, but then these days what holiday isn’t? Xmas costs too much. People go out and spend money they don’t have to get things for people that they don’t want now you tell me how much sense that makes and FORGET about going to ANY store on the day AFTER Xmas! Its like watching pitbulls fight over a slab of beef thrown between them! Long lines, angry scowls, name calling, pushing, shoving… who needs that kind of stress? Certainly not me and I won’t do it. I absolutely refuse to go anywhere on the day after all the fluff. It’s just not worth it. The stores are bad, but the roadways are worse.
Ever heard of a little thing called, “Road Rage?” Well, on December 26th it’s all the roads know! People honking their horns, flipping their middle fingers at one another, thumbing their nose, yelling obsenities… you can keep it! I wonder how many people out there eat their blood pressure meds like candy on that day? Hmm… something to think about, eh?
Thanksgiving is getting just as bad. You fix all this food for people you would rather not deal with, listen to your mother tell you, “Well dear, if you would have basted the turkey like *I* *told* *you* *to* then it wouldn’t be this dry!” or your dad yelling at the TV because the Broncos are playing the Bears and he has a bet riding on, which team now?, The one losing of course. “You dumbasses!” he yells while jumping up and down on your brand new sofa, spilling his beer down the front of the new shirt your mother bought him just for the occasion, “Run the damned football to YOUR goal line, DUH! You IDIOTS! Thelma! Get me another beer!” You sigh as you continue to work in the steaming hot kitchen. You raise the window to let some of the sweet, cool air into the house and your aunt comes in and shivers in an exagerated fashion and promptly goes over and shuts the window. “You’ll catch your death of cold, dear,” she says so sugary while her perfume wafts over you and you wonder if the food is going to taste like “Pearly Busom Buddy,” all the rage in Paris, according to her. Paris, Texas? Paris, Kentucky? You can’t help but to wonder if she bathed in it. What’s she trying to hide anyway?
Your aunt desperately wants to help as you shoo her into the livingroom with your other family. “Oh Bill, stop your yelling at the TV, you’re going to disturb little William and he is trying to take a nap!” your well-meaning aunt says.
Little William is 16 years old and he’s not dummy. He bailed out of the house before 7 a.m. to go riding around with his friends and play some football out in the field at school. “Yes mom, I’ll be back by 5 to eat dinner with you and, what do you call them, the perfumed, beer-stained, get-on-my-nerves vultures?” You had no choice but to laugh. Remember, kids hear EVERYTHING you don’t want them to hear and then NOTHING that you do want them to hear!
Okay, I have rambled enough about holidays. And people wonder why other people get depressed about them. Hmm, go figure.
October 3, 2002
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The following article can be found at: http://www.stanford.edu/~corelli/borderline.html
I will comment throughoutl
Diagnosis A person with a borderline personality disorder often experiences a repetitive pattern of disorganization and instability in self-image, mood, behavior and close personal relationships. This can cause significant distress or impairment in friendships and work. A person with this disorder can often be bright and intelligent, and appear warm, friendly and competent. They sometimes can maintain this appearance for a number of years until their defense structure crumbles, usually around a stressful situation like the breakup of a romantic relationship or the death of a parent.
Personally, I experience instabstability in self-image, mood and behavior. The only stressful situation I can think of that brought on the BPD is the fact that I was so far down in that depression abyss and had a melt-down that my BPD came out in full force.
Symptoms
Relationships with others are intense but stormy and unstable with marked shifts of feelings and difficulties in maintaining intimate, close connections. The person may manipulate others and often has difficulty with trusting others. There is also emotional instability with marked and frequent shifts to an empty lonely depression or to irritability and anxiety. There may be unpredictable and impulsive behavior which might include excessive spending, promiscuity, gambling, drug or alcohol abuse, shoplifting, overeating or physically self-damaging actions such as suicide gestures. The person may show inappropriate and intense anger or rage with temper tantrums, constant brooding and resentment, feelings of deprivation, and a loss of control or fear of loss of control over angry feelings. There are also identity disturbances with confusion and uncertainty about self-identity, sexuality, life goals and values, career choices, friendships. There is a deep-seated feeling that one is flawed, defective, damaged or bad in some way, with a tendency to go to extremes in thinking, feeling or behavior. Under extreme stress or in severe cases there can be brief psychotic episodes with loss of contact with reality or bizarre behavior or symptoms. Even in less severe instances, there is often significant disruption of relationships and work performance. The depression which accompanies this disorder can cause much suffering and can lead to serious suicide attempts.
Let’s break all that down as I relate to it:
I don’t feel that I manipulate others, but I do have a problem with trusting people. It wasn’t always like that though. I used to trust people right off the bat… looking for the good inside them, not worrying about the bad. I’ve been kicked down by so many people that my trust is hard earned now.
I frequently experience the, “emotional instability with marked and frequent shifts to an empty lonely depression or to irritability and anxiety,” quite frequently. I have the whole “unpredictable and impulsive behavior” thing going too. It seems to go along with my mixed states that I am in… that is where cutting plays a role in my life as well. I’m like a whole other person.
I often “show inappropriate and intense anger or rage with temper tantrums, constant brooding and resentment, feelings of deprivation, and a loss of control or fear of loss of control over angry feelings. There are also identity disturbances with confusion…” There’s just no better way to state that for me.
“There is a deep-seated feeling that one is flawed, defective, damaged or bad in some way, with a tendency to go to extremes in thinking, feeling or behavior. Under extreme stress or in severe cases there can be brief psychotic episodes with loss of contact with reality or bizarre behavior or symptoms. Even in less severe instances, there is often significant disruption of relationships and work performance. The depression which accompanies this disorder can cause much suffering and can lead to serious suicide attempts.”
I can so relate to this whole part. I constantly feel that I am NOT worth shit. I’m flawed, defective and damaged. I try to fix myself and I just come away angry because I can’t accomplish what I set out to do. I have constant feelings of not being good enough in everyway. I don’t love myself at all. I can’t. I’m just unable to do that. I have the psychotic episodes where I lose contact with reality briefly and I constantly exhibit bizarre behavior, or so I am told. I lose jobs. I have tried, unsuccessfully of course, suicide. It’s not a pleasence feeling to know that I couldn’t even do that right. Not that I’m not grateful that I failed at that, but it’s just the whole “wrongness,” of even trying it in the first place. Again, it was like I was a whole other person that had lost sight of the person I am otherwise… “she doesn’t live here anymore,” I repeated over and over while I sat, taking pill after pill and cutting my wrists and arms all to hell and back.
Etiology
It is a common disorder with estimates running as high as 10-14% of the general population.
But why is it so common?
The frequency in women is two to three times greater than men.
Why must woman suffer more then men. I don’t agree with this statement. It’s just that most men will not admit there is a problem. They don’t stand and get counted when it comes to emotion-related illnesses or problems. I do applude those men who can reach for help and admit there is something going on.
This may be related to genetic or hormonal influences.
An association between this disorder and severe cases of premenstrual tension has been postulated.
Ya’ think?
Women commonly suffer from depression more often than men. The increased frequency of borderline disorders among women may also be a consequence of the greater incidence of incestuous experiences during their childhood.
I worry about this. I am now wondering if the sexual abuse that I suffered at the hands of the “family friend” and my blood uncles and cousins now play a role in what I am going through. Anger about all that I went through as a child is now rearing it’s ugly head and I am doing what I can to cope with it all. It’s a bitch when suppressed memories break out of the dark, deep hole that you bury them in as a child.
This is believed to occur ten times more often in women than in men, with estimates running to up to one-fourth of all women.
Here, again, I think the numbers would be even if more men actually came forward when dealing with this kind of thing. Men tend to think that admitting a problem such as all this that it says they are weak, which of course, is not true.
This chronic or periodic victimization and sometimes brutalization can later result in impaired relationships and mistrust of men and excessive preoccupation with sexuality, sexual promiscuity, inhibitions, deep-seated depression and a seriously damaged self-image.
What about no sex drive at all? I can fully understand why! If crap like that is done to you as a child, of course you will have problems with sex.
“Deep-seated depression and a seriously damaged self-image.” Yep, I can relate to that.
There may be an innate predisposition to this disorder in some people.
Because of this there may ensue subsequent failures in development in the relationship between mother and infant particularly during the separation and identity-forming phases of childhood.
Treatment includes psychotherapy which allows the patient to talk about both present difficulties and past experiences in the presence of an empathetic, accepting and non-judgemental therapist. The therapy needs to be structured, consistent and regular, with the patient encouraged to talk about his or her feelings rather than to discharge them in his or her usual self-defeating ways. Sometimes medications such as antidepressants, lithium carbonate, or antipsychotic medication are useful for certain patients or during certain times in the treatment of individual patients. Treatment of any alcohol or drug abuse problems is often mandatory if the therapy is to be able to continue. Brief hospitalization may sometimes be necessary during acutely stressful episodes or if suicide or other self-destructive behavior threatens to erupt. Hospitalization may provide a a temporary removal from external stress. Outpatient treatment is usually difficult and long-term – sometimes over a number of years. The goals of treatment could include increased self-awareness with greater impulse control and increased stability of relationships. A positive result would be in one’s increased tolerance of anxiety. Therapy should help to alleviate psychotic or mood-disturbance symptoms and generally integrate the whole personality. With this increased awareness and capacity for self-observation and introspection, it is hoped the patient will be able to change the rigid patterns tragically set earlier in life and prevent the pattern from repeating itself in the next generational cycle.Treatment
Hospitalization. Done that. Therapy, its in the treatment plan. Good treatment advice here.
Well folks, I may be back later to blog. I just needed to do this entry for now. Thanks for reading my Bipolar Experiences.
PS: Want to see the “other me?” Check out my bitch blog.
October 2, 2002
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Smoking cigarettes one by one
Tell me dear, are we having fun?
The doctor said, “personality disorder”
what’s with that? I don’t answer myself!
(Yes you do.) Oh shut up, will you?
Just what is “Borderline Personality Disorder?”
Or how about “Post Tramuatic Stress Disorder?”
Let’s not forget “Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder!”
Mix all that shit with Bipolar Disorder and you
get me… one big fucking disorder.
Yes, I can admit it. I have a split personality, but I thought that was flippin’ normal.
I *know* I am someone else when I go into the rages or the deep depressions
or the high manic episodes! Of course I am someone else!
Yes, I see people that others around me don’t and I hear their
voices and I talk back to them, but that is a gift of mine!
Yes, even though my daddy went to Summerlands 17 years ago and I still go visit
the place we scattered his ashes and sit upon the river bank and have discussions with him,
does that make me crazy?
I hate that word… crazy. Shit. I’m more screwed up then I knew! *heavy sigh*
I don’t like the person I become when I’m in a rage. I don’t like her one damned bit. I have no control over her.
I used to say “it” instead of “her” but that isn’t good for me.
That won’t help me deal with the darker side of me.
Hell, I even made a xanga site for the darker side of me.
HELLO? Shouldn’t that have been the first clue for me? Gods, sometimes I can be so stupidly blind!
There are so many parts that make up who I am that sometimes I scare myself thinking
I am actually schizophrenic and have just been misdiagnosed all this flippin’ years.
Wouldn’t that be some crap to find out?!
I’m not doing so hot on giving up my Pepsi today. I’ve had three today.
I don’t guess that is too bad though since I am down from 8+ a day to only 3,
but I will have a 4th I know because I’m saving the last of the coffee for in the morning.
I’ll buy more coffee when I go to the store in the morning. Yippee Skippy. I hate going out.
But my *mother* sent her damned list up here tonight telling me that she wanted all that shit bought in the morning!
Gods, she is so demanding on me and she knows I have all this shit going on and that she stresses me even worse but does she give a rat’s behind? No. She doesn’t care. That’s the whole thing. All she cares about is what she needs, what she wants, what she gets! AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to strangle that bitch sometimes! She just drives me bonkers and she knows it! She doesn’t even TRY not to do it. Hell, half the time I think she does it for entertainment for herself! If I ever go bald… it will be her fault. She’s OVER half the reason I’m a basketcase. Hey, put blame where blame is due. I wouldn’t if I hadn’t come to terms with it myself. I blame me all the time, but now I know that I’m not to blame. Enviromental factors (to put it a nice way) while I was supposed to be growning up were to blame. So see? It’s not all my fault.
I’m not blaming my parents for everything, understand, but I sure do blame them for the shit I went through when I was little and passed around like a Christmas fruit cake that no one wanted! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That just pisses me off!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe I should put this blog over in my bitch site. No, I’ll put something else there tonight or tomorrow. Depends on when I decide to get my latest rant out of my system.
Well, I finally got my Klonopin med. Talk about doing a number on me when it first kicked! I’ll have to get used to that. I don’t think I will be mixing it with the Buspar any time soon unless one of those rages takes me over, then those could come in quite handy.
Well, I will go for now… or should I say “We’ll” go for now. LOL
Thanks for reading me.
October 1, 2002
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Today has not been a good day. First I lost track of time and didn’t leave the house until 40 minutes before my appointment and it is 14 miles from my home. I make it in about 30 normally.
Got half way and there was a wreck that the police and firemen were cleaning up. Sat there for 20 minutes and finally got up far enough to turn around safely and went back and took the back roads in and I was on E in the gas department… was going to make a pit stop on the way, but that was shagged.
Got there 5 minutes late.
During my appointment I found out that my pdoc definitely believes the following:
I’m Bipolar I
I suffer with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder… I think that is what he called it)
I have borderline personality problems
I am/have OCD (Obsessive/Compulsion Disorder)
So the treatment plan? Get stable on the meds for the Bipolar first… may be adding in lithium in two weeks… we’ll see, then deal with the other things and get me in with a tdoc on a more routine basis.
I can deal with that treatment plan. He told me to keep getting things out by writing like I do. He said it was good for me and he also said that he didn’t think I read too much, which I thought I did because it never fails, I always have questions for him over something I have read in the two weeks between my appointments. But ya know what he told me? He said, and I quote, “You’re smart and you’re curious… that’s who you are. I want to help you get stable so you can start living like you again.”
I thought that was pretty sweet of him. He, too, read my cornerstone story. I don’t know if that is where he got that I’m smart or not.
I am very involved in my treatment plan. I ask questions. I do research and I like to have things I don’t understand explained to me so that I do understand what’s going on. I want to know where we’re going in my treatment… I want to know that I am on that road to wellness.
Ya know?
On the way home I stopped in at LifeTouch to let my ex-boss know that Dr. J wouldn’t sign off on me going back to work, even part-time. He said I wasn’t stable enough to return to work and didn’t know when I would be, if ever. That is a scary thought for me. But I suppose I will just have to become a published writer, eh? That way I can work at home on my own time. Right?
Dr. J asked me to trust him with this and I do. No working outside the home for me until further notice. *sigh* Its funny how you take that kind of news once it becomes concrete for you.
Well, I’m starting to ramble. Maybe I will return to the page later tonight.
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