Thanks Mimi for sending this to me!

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Went to my pdoc visit today. I have gained 12 pounds and am swelled like a giant weather balloon since being put on the Zyprexa. My feet themselves look like overfilled waterballoons on the ends of my legs. Skin stretched so tight that it’s shiney.

So pdoc took me off the zyprexa AND the neurontin! Yea for me! Then he added in Topamax. So now I am on:

Topamax, 25mg twice daily for first seven days, then 50mg twice daily for the next 7 after that and will gradually increase to the max dose.

I’m still on the klonipin, buspar and Lamictal as well.

Getting that medication cocktail right is hard work, but we’ll get there. I know we will.

I was highly agitated today. Spilled it all out on my BP community forum’s folder labled, “Get it off your chest,” I HAD to vent. I was upset, agitated, pissed off, depressed, crying, the whole gambit of emotions today. It was a very rough day. I feel a little calmer now that the klonipin has kicked in with the buspar.

I got a little aggravated with a poster here who commented that having a split personality “COULDN’T” be just two personalities. It most certainly can. *I* did research on it as soon as my pdoc suggested it. AND to suggest that I find another pdoc because of that aggravated me. I am very happy with my pdoc. I trust him 300% and he is the best pdoc I have ever had since being diagnosed 16 years ago and I have been to several pdocs over that time span as well as therapists and counslers and the whole thing.

I’m not saying this to tick you off, I am just stating MY position on your comment. That was actually part of my agitation today. Sorry.

Anyway, my visit with my pdoc went well even though I was in a mixed state, STILL. We know we have a rocky road to travel, but I am willing and committed to traveling it. I went without treatment for far too long, knowing better then to do it and now I have to go through the whole thing basically from the beginning again, but at least we have my medical history to get a few clues from this time.

I will be starting tomorrow to get the support group meeting place ready for the first meeting. We have a total of six people now wanting to meet for group support so I have to get busy getting the three bedroom-two bath trailer that was GIVEN to us for FREE ready for that. I’ll be using the large bedroom in the back for my office and retreat space… it faces the woods and then the large bedroom up front will serve as a guest room for when we have overnight visitors. The middle bedroom is going to become D’s workshop for his woodworking and then the large living room and adjoining kitchen with a curved bar seperating the two will be for the bipolar support group meetings. Pretty cool, eh? And we don’t have to pay lot rent on it until January. Even cooler! Its all going to be so great when we get it all fixed up.

We’re doing the immediate needs right now so we can get it ready for my first meeting with the BPSG. That is priority one. If I can’t get it ready soon, then I am going to ask the management here if we can hold the meeting in the office house. If we can’t, then maybe we can hold it at E’s house if she will put the dog up. I don’t have enough room at my place or I would gladly host it here. I’ll find a place. That won’t be a problem. I would just like to have them all, including the first one at the BPS trailer.

Well folks, I just wanted to let you know how the day went. Talk to you soon.

Wow, what a roller coaster of a day! Mixed state all day long!

I was agitated when I got up this morning and knew I had no business whatsoever going out of the house, but I did. I needed pop and cigarettes and didn’t want to wait for D to get up and go get them. Big mistake. By the time I got back home I felt like popping the store’s cashier’s head off her body and that everyone on the road must have gotten their licenses at a K-Mart blue light special! Road rage in conjunction with my unstable mood, switching back and forth between the two personalities… it just was not good.

I came home and took my meds. Thank the Gods and Goddesses for my meds! I was still agitated all day. I even stayed away from this computer! I watched “Panic Room” (Yeah, like that was good for me to watch) and I tried to read, but I can’t concentrate long enough to read and that pisses me off to no end because I LOVE to read! I collect books, am an avid reader and now this damned disease is interferring with that too. It takes away everything!

The BP support group that I started is starting to bloom. I’m starting to get calls. I have got to get busy on the meeting place that I am setting up for that. I’m glad I can help these people.

I’m not going to write much right now. I can’t concentrate. I’ve set here for an hour now trying to write this. More soon, promise.

Darkness surrounds me, shrouding me against the light
I’m tired of caring, I’m tired of the fight.

Take this med, take that med, these meds might help too
Can’t you see I just want to be one person, maybe normal like you?

I missed a med, oh my god, the world is going to end
If they are so important to you, you take them then!

I hate the depression and would rather be manic
I know you hate to hear me say that, it puts you in a panic

But I know what I am, I know how I feel
and I’m sorry, but it’s not cured with the pills

I want to laugh, to dance, to play the day away
But I can’t because the depression always keeps me at bay

The person trapped inside of me, is happy and carefree
Why can’t she be on the outside looking in at me?

I hate the pills, the meds, the cocktails
Will it ever end?

So I keep chugging along, hoping that
Elusive cure is around the next bend.

The following article can be found at: http://www.stanford.edu/~corelli/borderline.html

I will comment throughoutl 

Diagnosis A person with a borderline personality disorder often experiences a repetitive pattern of disorganization and instability in self-image, mood, behavior and close personal relationships. This can cause significant distress or impairment in friendships and work. A person with this disorder can often be bright and intelligent, and appear warm, friendly and competent. They sometimes can maintain this appearance for a number of years until their defense structure crumbles, usually around a stressful situation like the breakup of a romantic relationship or the death of a parent.

Personally, I experience instabstability in self-image, mood and behavior. The only stressful situation I can think of that brought on the BPD is the fact that I was so far down in that depression abyss and had a melt-down that my BPD came out in full force.

Symptoms

Relationships with others are intense but stormy and unstable with marked shifts of feelings and difficulties in maintaining intimate, close connections. The person may manipulate others and often has difficulty with trusting others. There is also emotional instability with marked and frequent shifts to an empty lonely depression or to irritability and anxiety. There may be unpredictable and impulsive behavior which might include excessive spending, promiscuity, gambling, drug or alcohol abuse, shoplifting, overeating or physically self-damaging actions such as suicide gestures. The person may show inappropriate and intense anger or rage with temper tantrums, constant brooding and resentment, feelings of deprivation, and a loss of control or fear of loss of control over angry feelings. There are also identity disturbances with confusion and uncertainty about self-identity, sexuality, life goals and values, career choices, friendships. There is a deep-seated feeling that one is flawed, defective, damaged or bad in some way, with a tendency to go to extremes in thinking, feeling or behavior. Under extreme stress or in severe cases there can be brief psychotic episodes with loss of contact with reality or bizarre behavior or symptoms. Even in less severe instances, there is often significant disruption of relationships and work performance. The depression which accompanies this disorder can cause much suffering and can lead to serious suicide attempts.

Let’s break all that down as I relate to it:

I don’t feel that I manipulate others, but I do have a problem with trusting people. It wasn’t always like that though. I used to trust people right off the bat… looking for the good inside them, not worrying about the bad. I’ve been kicked down by so many people that my trust is hard earned now.

I frequently experience the, “emotional instability with marked and frequent shifts to an empty lonely depression or to irritability and anxiety,” quite frequently. I have the whole “unpredictable and impulsive behavior” thing going too. It seems to go along with my mixed states that I am in… that is where cutting plays a role in my life as well. I’m like a whole other person.

I often “show inappropriate and intense anger or rage with temper tantrums, constant brooding and resentment, feelings of deprivation, and a loss of control or fear of loss of control over angry feelings. There are also identity disturbances with confusion…” There’s just no better way to state that for me.

“There is a deep-seated feeling that one is flawed, defective, damaged or bad in some way, with a tendency to go to extremes in thinking, feeling or behavior. Under extreme stress or in severe cases there can be brief psychotic episodes with loss of contact with reality or bizarre behavior or symptoms. Even in less severe instances, there is often significant disruption of relationships and work performance. The depression which accompanies this disorder can cause much suffering and can lead to serious suicide attempts.”

I can so relate to this whole part. I constantly feel that I am NOT worth shit. I’m flawed, defective and damaged. I try to fix myself and I just come away angry because I can’t accomplish what I set out to do. I have constant feelings of not being good enough in everyway. I don’t love myself at all. I can’t. I’m just unable to do that. I have the psychotic episodes where I lose contact with reality briefly and I constantly exhibit bizarre behavior, or so I am told. I lose jobs. I have tried, unsuccessfully of course, suicide. It’s not a pleasence feeling to know that I couldn’t even do that right. Not that I’m not grateful that I failed at that, but it’s just the whole “wrongness,” of even trying it in the first place. Again, it was like I was a whole other person that had lost sight of the person I am otherwise… “she doesn’t live here anymore,” I repeated over and over while I sat, taking pill after pill and cutting my wrists and arms all to hell and back.

  

Etiology

It is a common disorder with estimates running as high as 10-14% of the general population.

But why is it so common?

The frequency in women is two to three times greater than men.

Why must woman suffer more then men. I don’t agree with this statement. It’s just that most men will not admit there is a problem. They don’t stand and get counted when it comes to emotion-related illnesses or problems. I do applude those men who can reach for help and admit there is something going on.

This may be related to genetic or hormonal influences.
An association between this disorder and severe cases of premenstrual tension has been postulated.

Ya’ think?

Women commonly suffer from depression more often than men. The increased frequency of borderline disorders among women may also be a consequence of the greater incidence of incestuous experiences during their childhood.

I worry about this. I am now wondering if the sexual abuse that I suffered at the hands of the “family friend” and my blood uncles and cousins now play a role in what I am going through. Anger about all that I went through as a child is now rearing it’s ugly head and I am doing what I can to cope with it all. It’s a bitch when suppressed memories break out of the dark, deep hole that you bury them in as a child.

This is believed to occur ten times more often in women than in men, with estimates running to up to one-fourth of all women.

Here, again, I think the numbers would be even if more men actually came forward when dealing with this kind of thing. Men tend to think that admitting a problem such as all this that it says they are weak, which of course, is not true.

This chronic or periodic victimization and sometimes brutalization can later result in impaired relationships and mistrust of men and excessive preoccupation with sexuality, sexual promiscuity, inhibitions, deep-seated depression and a seriously damaged self-image.

What about no sex drive at all? I can fully understand why! If crap like that is done to you as a child, of course you will have problems with sex.
“Deep-seated depression and a seriously damaged self-image.” Yep, I can relate to that.

There may be an innate predisposition to this disorder in some people.
Because of this there may ensue subsequent failures in development in the relationship between mother and infant particularly during the separation and identity-forming phases of childhood.

Treatment

Treatment includes psychotherapy which allows the patient to talk about both present difficulties and past experiences in the presence of an empathetic, accepting and non-judgemental therapist. The therapy needs to be structured, consistent and regular, with the patient encouraged to talk about his or her feelings rather than to discharge them in his or her usual self-defeating ways. Sometimes medications such as antidepressants, lithium carbonate, or antipsychotic medication are useful for certain patients or during certain times in the treatment of individual patients. Treatment of any alcohol or drug abuse problems is often mandatory if the therapy is to be able to continue. Brief hospitalization may sometimes be necessary during acutely stressful episodes or if suicide or other self-destructive behavior threatens to erupt. Hospitalization may provide a a temporary removal from external stress. Outpatient treatment is usually difficult and long-term – sometimes over a number of years. The goals of treatment could include increased self-awareness with greater impulse control and increased stability of relationships. A positive result would be in one’s increased tolerance of anxiety. Therapy should help to alleviate psychotic or mood-disturbance symptoms and generally integrate the whole personality. With this increased awareness and capacity for self-observation and introspection, it is hoped the patient will be able to change the rigid patterns tragically set earlier in life and prevent the pattern from repeating itself in the next generational cycle.

Hospitalization. Done that. Therapy, its in the treatment plan. Good treatment advice here.

Well folks, I may be back later to blog. I just needed to do this entry for now. Thanks for reading my Bipolar Experiences.



PS: Want to see the “other me?” Check out my bitch blog.

Smoking cigarettes one by one
Tell me dear, are we having fun?

Today has not been a good day. First I lost track of time and didn’t leave the house until 40 minutes before my appointment and it is 14 miles from my home. I make it in about 30 normally.

Got half way and there was a wreck that the police and firemen were cleaning up. Sat there for 20 minutes and finally got up far enough to turn around safely and went back and took the back roads in and I was on E in the gas department… was going to make a pit stop on the way, but that was shagged.

Got there 5 minutes late.

During my appointment I found out that my pdoc definitely believes the following:

I’m Bipolar I
I suffer with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder… I think that is what he called it)
I have borderline personality problems
I am/have OCD (Obsessive/Compulsion Disorder)

So the treatment plan? Get stable on the meds for the Bipolar first… may be adding in lithium in two weeks… we’ll see, then deal with the other things and get me in with a tdoc on a more routine basis.

I can deal with that treatment plan. He told me to keep getting things out by writing like I do. He said it was good for me and he also said that he didn’t think I read too much, which I thought I did because it never fails, I always have questions for him over something I have read in the two weeks between my appointments. But ya know what he told me? He said, and I quote, “You’re smart and you’re curious… that’s who you are. I want to help you get stable so you can start living like you again.”

I thought that was pretty sweet of him. He, too, read my cornerstone story. I don’t know if that is where he got that I’m smart or not.

I am very involved in my treatment plan. I ask questions. I do research and I like to have things I don’t understand explained to me so that I do understand what’s going on. I want to know where we’re going in my treatment… I want to know that I am on that road to wellness.
Ya know?