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  • A Heart-felt Thank you...


    I want to take a moment to send a thank you out to those of you that commented on my 8/30/02 blog. That meant a lot to me.


    I've cycled, several times, since then, but yes, I'm holding on and the only way I can do it is by taking once moment at a time. I live by this rule. I have to. I have always tried to live by this rule, even though there are times that I lose sight of it.


    I get to go see my pdoc in the morning. I have mixed anxiety, joy, hope, fear, etc. over it. I am very thankful that I am getting in though and am looking forward to having a pdoc again. I've gone far too long without one, even though I know that I have always and probably will always need one.


    I can't begin to describe the help and support that I have gotten from the online About Bipolar Disorder community! Those people... that site... has been priceless to me since I found it. There are so many up-to-date articles, links, etc. on it for BP suffers AND their loved ones and friends that it is just amazing.

  • Personal Entry...


    Why do I have to keep riding this screwed-up roller coaster? I'm ready to get off the ride please. Thank you and have a WONDERFUL day! The park is closed now...


    Only if it were that easy! The rapid cycling is getting the better of me. I've just got this three day weekend to get through. I just have to hold on... I see the pdoc Tuesday.. 9 AM. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.


    The little voice in my head... the one I call my inner critic is screaming back at me... "No you can't, no you can't, no you can't! You're going to lose it! Call the guys in the white coats and get it over with!"


    I tell the inner critic to shut the hell up. I don't need his shit. OMG, I just gave it gender. Okay. I'm not losing it. I'm okay. Things will be okay. I'm just going through a cycle. Let's be logical about this. Let's maintain our wits, shall we? *heavy sigh*


    I've been like this all day. I didn't sleep well last night either. Nightmares... all night long. Dreaming of cell bars and cell mates who were not too happy with me invading their space, nevermind the fact that I didn't WANT to be there invading their space... it was still my problem. Dreams of needles and pills filled with tranqualizers that render me awake, but unable to move or speak. Hell, I couldn't even blink, but the eyes... oh the eyes remained open so I could see everything and my hearing remained intact so I could hear. Not a fun nightmare, brother, let me tell ya!


    Nightmares of being alone. Just me... no one ANYWHERE. The entire world a ghost town. There was no one to talk to, no one to hold or to be held by... my children, my husband, my friends... POOF... just vanishing. I would think that I seen them, would get closer and they would evaporate into thin air.


    Dreams of shakles and chains. "Chains, chains, shackles and chains..." from the country song. Sorry, can't remember the artist that recorded it. Good song though.


    Today has been no better then the night was. I've been manic most of the day. I started working on the TMP website and was getting highly frustrated... so much so that I was crying with tears of rage when I noticed that it was 4:30 PM!!!!!! I started working on it around 9 AM this morning!!!!!!!!!!


    The rage built and I ended up chewing out one of my best friends for just trying to help me out as well as my eldest son and my husband. Gods, they don't deserve that and Goddess knows I tried to hold it all inside. I tried so hard that it made my shake! But it all came exploding out like a firey, hot, mammoth volcano that had supressed itself for too long. *heavy sigh*


    I have since apologized. Apologies don't amount to a hill of beans though once I blow my top like that and the hurtful words come spewing from my mouth like venom. I'm lucky they fogive me at all, let alone go on loving and supporting me.


    They don't understand, fully, what it is that I experience and I pray to all the deities that they never, ever do because in order to fully understand, you have to experience for yourself and I wouldn't wish that on my worst and most hated enemy (not that I have "hated enemies", per say).


    I HATE my disorder! I hate what it does to me. I hate what it causes me to do to others. No, scratch that. *I* am responsible for the things that I do, ultimately. But when you have no real control over your actions and you don't go lock yourself away in your bedroom or wherever to be alone so that you don't blow up at the ones you love... well.... then shit happens, doesn't it?


    Yes, I should have stopped my work on the webpages. Yes, I should have just gone back there to my bedroom and waited the cycle out like I normally do and actually, I tried that, but the flippin' web pages called me back. I'm so OC (Obsessive/Compulsive) about my web work and it's worse in a manic cycle. That bugs me too. Grrr.


    Anyway, I have ragged on for far too long. I didn't mean to go on like I did. I just needed to get it out someway other then the work I did at http://www.the-morning-pages.com . I just revamped the entryway and the main page and a few other things here and there. No big deal. So why did I let it get to me like I did? Who knows? *shrug*


    Thank the Gods for my writing. I don't know what I would do to spend the energy... both positive and negative when I get it like that, if I couldn't write.


    Hope your day is going better then mine.


    Much love to all. Sorry to be such a downer today.  

  • Q&A...


    elwin_windleaf commented about me using Xanga to get my frustrations out and asked if maybe more people couldn't use this as a tactic. I am guessing he meant in reference to combating the mood swings of bipolar disorder.


    I have always felt that writing is a prized tool for coping with mood swings, life, whatever. Some people draw, some people put together models... hobbies, in and of themselves help us to combat frustration, anger... mood swings in general.


    Our hobbies allow us to relax and destress. That is what writing does for me. I can get it out of my system if I can write it out.


    Many bipolar people tend to have a creativity gene or something. You'll find, in this old world, BPers who write, draw, paint, sculpt... anything creative like that. Its a part of who we are.


    So friends, what is YOUR creative outlet?

  • Personal entry...


    Today has been a rough one. I HATE cycling! It drives me up the wall! One moment I'm flying way up there and the next I'm nose diving into the abyss! I will be so glad to get my meds regulated so that all this spinning and diving will just STOP and I can sit there on the even spot for a while!


    One thing that has really been setting me off lately is noise. Just everyday noise... the TV is the worst one since my computer/office is set up here in the living room and when we moved over here we sold all our TVs but the one here in the living room. Sometimes I just want to take a shotgun and blow the sucker to smitherines!!!


    I seem to be at my most calm and "even" when it is quiet and no one is around me. I just get highly aggravated when I don't want to be around anyone or any noise and I can't escape from it.


    I'm so sick of my bedroom that I could "hurl." That is the only place here I have to retreat to when I'm feeling particularly edgy, depressed, manic or WHATEVER.


    These cats are putting me on the edge too! They're going to the shelter tomorrow and I am NOT going to allow my husband to get away with not taking them... procrastinating even more like he has every frippin' day this week!!!!!!!!!!!


    I'm also highly ticked off about this crap that he has to go to that unemployment hearing on one of his ex-employees that is trying to get unemployment. I'm more upset by the fact that he is riding over with G. and the fact that he has to "come home and get cleaned up first." He works THIRD shift. HELLO? Doesn't he think the judge would understand that??? *sigh* I know it's just the rage talking tonight but still... I'm UPSET and I want it all to just GO AWAY! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!


    I just feel like screaming my fool head off! I'm highly agitated for no particular reason and I can't get away from that feeling and I don't like it one little bit!


    I just want to feel NORMAL!!!!!! Gods, how many more days until 9/3? SEVEN?! Shit. I hope I last.


    Sorry this isn't a more encouraging post, but like I said in the beginning... along with helping and education and information and answering all your questions... it is also the journal of MY personal bipolar journey. It is not a road that is smoothly paved.

  • Helpful links...


    Thank you Lia, of the BP support group for helping me out with these links! You're a doll!


    Depression Screening

    http://depression.about.com/blscreenquiz.htm

    Bipolar Screening

    http://mhnet.org/guide/mdquiz.htm

    http://bipolar.about.com/cs/menu_diagnosis/index.htm


    These sites provide screenings for users to see if you MAY suffer from these disorders or Bipolar Disorder. They should NOT be taken as a definate diagnosis. You need to see a doctor for that. If you think that you may suffer from BP or depression and you take these screenings and they suggest you see a doctor, by all means, print out your results and take them to your doctor with you. The better educated you are, the better you can help your doctor help you.

  • Q&A Entry...


    As a friend, what can I do to help someone with bipolar disorder?
    -Jake

    Hi Jake,


    What a wonderful and complex question! Thank you for emailing it!


    In order to help a friend that is bipolar, you have to take several things into consideration, the first and most important factors would be: Has your friend been dx'ed (diagnosed) with Bipolar Disorder already? Has your friend already seen a doctor and is your friend currently on medication?

     

    If so, then the best way to help them is to just be there for them and to remember that if and when they try to push you out by saying mean and hurtful things to you, that it's the disorder and not them. We bipolars tend to try to shut the people out that we love the most in order to protect them from us. I know that sounds backwards, but that's what a lot of us do... I'm not saying we all do it, but in my experience with my own disorder and with others I have known... we just do that.

     

    You can also GENTLY remind them to take their meds if they are not taking them. Be careful though...  we can easily fly off the handle when someone tries to remind us for several reasons such as it gets in our head that those reminding us think that we can't take care of ourselves and thoughts such as those. We know, in our logical mind that isn't true, but when we are cycling... the logical brain tends to take a vacation from us.

     

    A great way to help your bipolar friend is to be there to listen. So many times we feel so alone... like there is no one who could possibly understand what we're going through and in fact, it's in my opinion, if you don't suffer with the illness yourself, you will never be able to COMPLETELY understand, but if you educate yourself with all the wonderful books and websites (example: http://bipolar.about.com/mbody.htm ), you can understand a little better then if you were to go into it blind.

     

    There are sometimes obvious signs of a cycle happening. If a mania is approaching, the person can become hyperactive... lots of energy, insomnia, feeling euphoric, rapid speech... it's like I said in an earlier post, it's like the Tasmanian Devil on speed. If a depression cycle is approaching, obvious symptoms can be crying spells, feelings of worthlessness, low or zero self-esteem, sleep patterns changes like sleeping in excess or on the other hand, not sleeping at all, suicidal thoughts, loss of enjoyment in things that they normally love, isolation... there are so many symptoms of the cycles.

     

    Then there are those that show no symptoms at all... they suffer in silence. Those are harder to recognize.

     

    If your friend has never been dx'ed, try to get them into a pdoc (physiatrist) so that they can get dx'ed. Bipolar Disorder can be a potentially fatal disorder if not treated.

     

    I hope this has helped, and if you need more specifics, please don't hesitate to email me again. I'm more then happy to help. And, btw, I think you are a wonderful person to want to help your friend. In my opinion, it takes a hero to stick with the Bipolar person because we tend to put our loved ones through the mill.


    LL&BB,

  • Another Day
    © Stormy Stevens, 2002


    The cuts will heal
    The memories will fade
    I'm here to face another day

    I'm up, I'm down

    I'm spinning around

    but I'll slow

    and know the direction to go

     

    I hang on with all my might

    I hang on because it's right

    Family and friends are gathered round

    To help me up or help me down

     

    I'm not alone in this war, you see

    but I'm free to just be me

    I know I'm loved

    and hope they know too

    that they're my life lines

    Tested true blue

     

    So to all those I push away

    thank you for staying another day

    I'll get better before long, I know

    and will once again be able to grow

  • This article can be found at: http://bipolar.about.com/library/howto/ht-depress.htm


    How to Recognize a Depressive Episode


    If you or someone you love has unipolar or bipolar depression, you need to recognize the symptoms of a depressive episode and contact a doctor if they continue or grow serious.


    Here's How:



    1. If you start having trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep, keep a record and watch for other symptoms.

    2. Be on the alert if your wife starts sleeping excessively. Seriously depressed persons can sleep as much as 20 hours a day in some cases.

    3. Be concerned if your husband begins cancelling social engagements and staring at television programs he otherwise wouldn't watch.

    4. Notice if mail - even bills - is piling up unopened, or other common tasks such as laundry, taking out garbage, etc., are not being done.

    5. Marked change in appetite (increase or decrease), or significant weight gain or loss, can signify many conditions, including depression; consider it in light of other depressive symptoms.

    6. Keep track of episodes of unexplained and uncontrolled crying.

    7. Document feelings of sadness, guilt, worthlessness or despair that last most or all day for several days.

    8. Be alert if you or your loved one exhibits signs of unusual worry, anger, negativity, helplessness or hopelessness.

    9. Pay attention if you or a loved one begins to have difficulty making even simple decisions. This is a very common warning sign of depression.

    10. Be sensitive to behavioral changes such as disorganization, inability to concentrate, or indifference to everyday necessary tasks.

    11. Notice if actions and thoughts seem to be slowing down (psychomotor retardation) or speeding up jerkily (psychomotor agitation).

    12. Watch your loved one for physical signs of depression such as slumped posture, frowning, decreased eye contact, frequent sighing, inattentive speech, or decreased sexual desires.

    13. Contact the doctor quickly if you experience, or your loved one reports, recurrent thoughts of death and suicide.

    14. If depressive symptoms appear after a change in medication, contact the prescribing doctor promptly.


    Tips:



    1. Depression can creep up on your slowly or descend quickly. If slowly, it can be harder to notice, especially in yourself. Get in the habit of observing yourself if you have depressive episodes.
    2. Make a pact with your loved one that if one of you sees danger signals in the other, the affected person will take appropriate action such as contacting a doctor. Or make a pact with yourself!
    3. This is not an exhaustive list of symptoms. You will encounter more through observation and reading. Add more red flags to this list as you learn them!

  • Q&A Personal Entry...


    In post 8/25/02, in the comments area, KimNico asked me asked me several questions....


    Are you going to be put on meds soon? Or did you already?


    I have an appointment with a new pdoc on 9/3/02 @ 9AM. I am looking forward (even with the tripidation I'm feeling over it) to getting help. I am hoping the new pdoc will adjust my meds. Currently, I am still taking 2400mg of Neurontin daily along with 10mg of Buspar as needed. They're not working as well as they should, but I'm holding on.

    Sometimes, do you just feel so overwhelmingly sad for no reason, like some tragedy just happened to you even tho it didnt'?


    Oh my yes! I have had, unfortunately, that overwhelming saddness quite often lately... like my whole world is crumbling around me. I know that it is part of the depression cycle that I'm stuck in though and I am doing everything I can to hold on because I know this won't last forever. I've cried an ocean these past few months. I know where you are coming from. {{{{{{{{{{{Kim}}}}}}}}, honey, you're not alone.


    LL&BB,

  • Personal Entry...


    This weekend has been HARD. I've been cycling like crazy, even though I am taking my meds. Gods, I can't wait until 9/3/02 for my pdoc appointment.


    Don't get me wrong, I know that he's not going to wave a wand over me and I will be instantly cured. I'm still based here in reality folks.


    I woke up Saturday morning around 9:30 in a manic cycle. I didn't realize it until a little after I woke up. That's when I noticed my thoughts were racing, my speech was going a mile a minute and the rage... Gods help me, the rage was building like a wildfire!


    I, unfortunately, blew up. I yelled at the kids and my husband. I flew off the handle for something stupid. When I realized then what was going on I went and hid, again, in my bedroom. I paced. I tore up paper. I hit the wall a few times. I did everything and anything I could just to wear myself out! It was terrible! I screamed over and over again, "Why do I have to have this shit?! Tell me why!" I wasn't screaming at anyone in particular, mind you; I was alone. No answer came this time except the little voice in my head (no, I'm not schizophrenic either) kept repeating, "You know why and besides why does ANYONE have to have this shit?" Yeah, ain't that the million dollar zinger question!

    After I wore myself out and it seemed that I was cycling down once again, I just gave up and went back to bed. I slept until after 7pm when D. woke me up wanting me to eat and all that. We went on our little fishing outing and the moon, the stars, the darkness of the night, the pond and the peace and quiet did do me some good. I calmed down. I relaxed just a little and I can honestly say I enjoyed the couple of hours we were out there.


    Today, I'm still cycling. The stupid cats triggered me a couple of times today since they are running all over the house and a few other NOT IMPORTANT things triggered me, but I didn't hide today. I've been up all day. That's a plus for me. I'm not saying I didn't WANT to go hide.... go to my bed and just sleep.... even though the nightmares still plague me.


    I'm sleeping far too much. That's all I do any more. I'm sick of sleeping all the time, but then again, it's all I want to do. I have to fight with myself to MAKE myself stay out of that bed! I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to want to sleep all the time.


    Sleep.... it doesn't let me be conscious of the pain.

bipolarstorm

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