May 28, 2003
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Oh my. A little more then a month has passed since I last blogged here. Shame on me.
I have blogged on my SheWolf site though so I guess that is something.
I have fallen back into a depressive cycle. I've been despretely trying to keep myself out of it... fighting it... but its won. I finally confessed to my husband last night, telling him how sorry I was that I'd fallen and how guilty I felt about it.
Of course he told me that I had nothing to be sorry or guilty about but still, I do.
I've been wearing those old social masks around here again... you know the ones I talk about... the ones that make you look okay to everyone on the outside while inside you are falling apart, while inside you are sobbing, feeling like you are dying. But we can't let the masks crack, we can't let them see. The masks have to stay strong so that no one feels uncomfortable around us.
Its a living hell but I do it for my family. I'm supposed to be okay now. I'm on all this freakin' medications now, I'm supposed to be OKAY DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to go to bed again and never get up. I just want the world to go away again and leave me alone. I don't want anyone to see me or hear me. I don't want to get dressed. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't have any flippin' energy anymore. *sigh* This sooo sucks!
I hurt so bad inside again. Why can't this feeling just stay away? Why did it come back? WHY DID IT HAVE TO FUCKING COME BACK?! What in the hell did I do to make it come back???????????????
I'm mad. I'm depressed. I feel sick. I have no energy. I want to sleep. I want to give up again. I don't want to me anymore. I'm sick of being bipolar. I thought I was going to be okay. Here I am again, fucking depressed.
I hate me.
Comments (4)
Curiously, that's a lot how I've felt the past week or so. Before then I was rather enjoying myself, although it was to the annoyance of many others...And lately things have just been shit. Well, hope you start feeling better, truly. Peace.
Damn, I hope you know just how strong you are.
Stormy, you never let me sink into the abyss by myself and I won't let you!
I love you with all my heart
Rosie
you probably didn't do anything to make it come back. its not your fault that it did. its an illness and you cannot control an illness...its like telling yourself that you can control the flu, or pnemonia! i know how you feel. i know exactly how you feel, i've been there many times. yes, the medications are supposed to make us better, but over time our bodies adjust to them and they become less effective. *hugz* i'll be praying for you...oh, and you don't have to be okay. you can be sick. i give you permission
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