January 6, 2003
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Triggers suck.
Triggers, in case you don't know, are things that set Bipolars or really anyone, off.
I got up this morning determined to put all my husband's and my clean clothes away, make my bed, clean up our bedroom and then clean the rest of the house, you know be USEFUL instead of sitting around feeling like a waste of space and air like I have been feeling for the last week or more.
So I got the bed made, started some laundry, sorted my husband's and my laundry out of all the clean laundry and then remembered I needed to call the WIC office to make an appointed for heating assistance. Got on the phone with that bitch and she triggered me automatically. She was meaner then snot and she talked faster then a manic on speed. She told me a list of things I would have to bring with me and I asked her to slow down so I could right them down and she got even nastier and told me it was all standard and then I told her I couldn't get some of the things she told me I had to have and to just forget it and she made me an appointment any way at the end of FEBRUARY, well I won't need heating assistance then!
SO I hung up and sat here and cried. I was shaking, I shot straight down to the bottom of the damned depression pit and couldn't even move from this damned chair.
I called her back, still crying and told her I wanted to cancel the appointment. She got nicer then and told me people to go see if I got another disconnect notice on my heating bill and said she was going to keep the appointment and we'd do what we could do and that I didn't need all that stuff. *sigh* Then why did she say that I did? Why did she have to make me cry? I told her up front that I was Bipolar and agoraphobic when the topic arose. DO they just not give a damn or do they get some sick pleasure in pushing us to see how long it takes them to push us over the edge? *sigh*
Now I am back to feeling like a waste of space and air and all I want to do is d*e. I'm of no use to anyone. I haven't been for a very long time. What do I do? Nothing. It sucks.
I remember the woman who used to clean, cook, go outside and play with her kids, have fun with her family, joke around with her husband, live a normal, well, almost normal life. I want to be her again.
For those that want to know. I was diagnosed when I was 17 but I've always been up and down in moods since I was born, that's what earned me my name, Stormy. But I was officially dx'ed at 17. I'll be 34 this year. You can do the math.
Right now... I am on a med cocktail. I have up and down days. The last several have been down. Right now and even what I wrote in my journal last night before laying down to go to sleep....
I'm a waste of space and air. I wish I would just d*e.
Comments (5)
I just got off the phone with my therapist....I can so relate to what you are going through. Thank you for being strong enough to put on the web what some of us can't.....
Raven
Stormy....have u looked into spirituality at all or meditation....it has helped me in fact i am not calling myself bipolar anymore even though i take the meds i refuse to be the "VICTIM" anymore like i was... i wish you luck since i plan on leaving here soon......God bless,mao
thanks for letting me know that im not the only one with up and down moods im 17 and i was just diagnosed with underline depression i can so relate to you ive been down for like 2 weeks now. I feel like giving up on life sometimes to but you gotta look at what you have, family, friends loved ones that would be crushed if you died. thats what i always think about,
Ignore kityrock...she's a *bitch*cough*cough*
you've helped alot of us here on xanga...Thank you
iv just red ur site for the firt time and i just want u to look at what u have dun....how can u be a waste of space when ur helping hundreds everyday....if it wasnt for u i imagine at least one more perosn would have killed them sleves by now...ur sons life would be alot shittttyer i garentee if it wasnt for you...
just wondering how do u know ifu bi polar...i mean..other than doctors...
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