December 29, 2002
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Another visit with the pdoc tomorrow, but working on the questions for Social Security will take up the entire session, so I am going to ask him if I can come back in a week instead of two. Or maybe I won't. Maybe I will just keep journaling and going to my about.com support group and tossing and turning and letting it all get to me and losing my flippin mind and hurting all those around me like I have been doing for the last several days now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They say the ones closest to you are the ones you hurt the most. Well brother I am the fucking poster child for that saying here lately!
I hurt two of my best friends and my husband within three weeks of each other and ruined Christmas for my husband and everything. It just all SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate being like this! I hate my life! Yes, I am taking my meds, but I hate them too! I just want to lay down and never wake up again!
And I feel like that but I am trying to quit smoking! Oh yeah that's real ingenious of me! Stop killing myself slowly with cigarettes just to wish I would die from something else! See? My mind is just scrambled!
Actually I want to live beyond 40. I want to see my three boys get married and have families of their own. I don't want to have a stroke or a heart attack (which I'm not 100% positive, but I believe I had a silent heart attack over these last two weeks and it scared me)
So anyway, I have always said you have to WANT to quit smoking to actually quit smoking. Well now I actually WANT to quit. So I hope I am successful. I think I'm getting there. I'm a normal 2 pack a day smoker. Today I only smoked 20 cigarettes. That is one full pack. Yesterday, I only smoked 17 cigarettes. Quite the accomplishment if I do say so myself.
But anyway. I am tired of hurting the ones I love and if I could disappear off the face of the earth and not hurt anyone in the process of doing it, I would do it in a New York second, just like I said on my other blog.
Comments (2)
This is my first time to your site. Do mind if I ask how long you have been on meds and when you were diagnosed?
I was diagnosed about 2-3 years ago. I am on Wellbutrin and Neurontin indefinitely...my pdoc transferred my file to my reg doc so that I can continue on my meds even though I don't need the therapy.
I remember when I felt all the things you recently expressed. It takes time but you won't feel like that forever. Believe me, there is a lot to enjoy once you learn to live with the disease. You have to learn to see things and think in a different way than other people. Learn to put little things aside as to not dwell on them and not let the anger build up.
At least you're trying to quit smoking and have a reason to live...people love you and unfortunatly there is no way to leave the earth without hurting them so you just gotta keep goin...Happy belated new year...
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