Well, I am just not having a good day at all. The glue that holds my social mask of happiness on is being dissolved by the tears that refuse to stop leaking from my eyes.
I hurt and ache all over, mentally, physically and emotionally. This time in 1985 I was at the hospital, holding my daddy's hand. I was pregnant and 16 years old. My dad was 58. He was consumed with cancer... anywhere you can think of having cancer, he had it. He had emphyzema (excuse my misspelling), he was dying. He was in a coma.
Every day this month I have been reliving December 1985, the month and year that I watched my daddy fade away and then die. It was the worse year in my life. Prior to December I had an Uncle and a cousin whom both completed suicide.
I don't know why I am reliving 1985 this year. I think it has something to do with the fact that I am living in a trailer that is set up much like the tralier that we lived in at that time. That is all I can chalk it up to.
I am not going to go into the full details here except to say this has been one of the hardest months of my life since December 1985. Everyday, I live in 2002 as well as in 1985.
I've cried an awful lot this month and the anti-depressants haven't don't much to help me this month, but that is because of external pain, not my chemical disorder. Gods, I would hate to see what a basketcase I would be if I were NOT on my meds!
Stay on your meds kiddies! I'm here to tell you! They are the only thing saving me right now! I know that to be fact! My meds, my pdoc, my family and my friends.... that's all that is saving me, but without the meds and the pdoc, my family and friends wouldn't know what to do. They would try, I know that. They would do everything they could think of, but I would sink deeper and deeper. It wouldn't be their faults. They would do everything they could and know how to do. But if you are Bipolar you HAVE TO TAKE YOUR MEDS! YOU HAVE TO SEE YOUR PDOC! Especially at this time of the year. This time of the year, Christmas time.... Winter, in general, is the hardest time of the year for bipolar disorder sufferers. SAD comes in and complicates matters even further. SAD is Seasonal Affective Disorder. I think I got the A part of it right. Anyway, its when things are darker, there's not as much light during the day,.... the days are shorter, ect. Light has been proven to affect the mood. More light, better mood.
Well folks, I have rambled on for far too long for one blog. Its been a bad ride this month and its getting worse for me. 10 more miserable day until this month and this year is over. Yep, I'm counting them down.
ONE MOMENT AT A TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comments (1)
Something must be unresolved if you suddenly start reliving the excrutiation details of your father. But that's only my opinion.
And yes, good advice about the meds! If I wasn't on mine I'd be loony right now. Winter is hard for me, too. And as far as the combination of meds, shrinks, and family goes, along with the person's own desire to help themselves, I don't think any of those steps can be taken away. You have to have that whole combination or things will still be all screwed up.
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