December 15, 2002
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I've been having a pretty down weekend. Friday I was in mixed states all day long. I felt like Tigger. Saturday I was pretty much down all day and today I have felt even more depressed. It really sucks.
I have my pdoc appointment tomorrow afternoon and in all honesty I'm really not looking forward to it. Most of it, however, will be spent going over the questionaire from SSI, so I don't really have to worry about getting into dealing with "me" per say.
I think I mentioned that my last appointment didn't go well. He pissed me off and he scared me. All because of that damned mood chart and I told him, "Well I think it would just be better if you read my journal instead of going by the damned moond chart!" So this time I have written short parapraghs on the back of the chart and then on paper, dating each entry and stapled it to the chart. Do you think he will take the time to read it? I doubt it. I'm starting to become unhappy with him suddenly and I don't know why. Could it all stem from that one session last week? Or am I just getting paranoid or am I just dysphoric right now? GODS! ALL THESE QUESTIONS plague my brain and I am mad, I am sad, I am crying, I am screaming! I am so far down into the vortex of depression that I am wondering how long it will take to climb back up this time!
Is it due to the season? Is this due to the dreaded holiday that is coming (GODS I wish it were over already!)
Was it wrong of me to expect the ALMOST even days to continue? I was what I would consider almost even for three whole days, with an undercurrent of depression and then BAMM! Depression rears up and takes me down again! That's just not fair! WHY?! WHY?!
All I want for Christmas is ONE FLIPPIN NORMAL DAY! Is that so much to ask? One day that I don't feel ANY depression at all and one day that I don't feel any form of mania at all and preferably both of these on the same flippin day! JUST ONE DAMNED DAY! WHY is that so hard!?
Yeah, I sure sound like I'm stable tonight, eh? Sounds like the meds are really working tonight, eh? Yes, I took the meds today. I take the stupid meds everyday. Unfortunately they don't prevent backslides all the time. Sometimes the social mask slips because the tears make the glue melt.
I'm under the barrel tonight, where I have been all day and it SUCKS!
I don't want to be here. I don't want to be in the vortex. I don't want to be in December.
I want to go to bed and not get up again until January 6, 2003!
Comments (3)
Greetings!
Hangon to what you have, don't let yourself slip too far. And get anouther pdr. On the SSI app, is this your first time going threw the prosess. If it is expect to be denided the first few times and get an SSI lawer you might not get as much back pay but it will be easier in the long run, and when you get on board expect yearly or every 2 to 4 years to reup. I hate it when they do that tho. I've been on SSI/SSA for about 6 years but then I really don't keep track of time that well it all a blurr to me. I don't have Bipoler or I don't think so but I am split down the middle with no papers those Pdrs will not even see me there too many things around here worse then me. I have learn to live with Depression its a part of me now and I wont let go of it ether, I've been depressed sence I was 13. I disabled with many diff skin condishens. sorry the miss spelled words I'm also dilexic and there's no spell checker here in this box. To the world I would be conserded Dumb, oh well can't win them all.lol. Stormy Wolf sent me here to check out your site. I know of a few on xanga that are Bipoler Stormy wolf, BrokenStiches, and you. I have an ear you may use if you wish. E-mail me if you need someone - anyone to talk to! I may not the best but I have time too much of it. Come to the Castle to my poetry but be warnned I'm not a happy camper ether. 97 poems thus far, I find it better for me to write poetry to get rid of the saddness I feel and the loneliness of knowing that I'll be alone till the end,
its not fair but it is what it is. And I can't find the way to change it, so I live with it.
Peace be with you!
Danpiru
I know how it feels to be trapped in depression or mania. . .unfortunately I don't know what to tell you as far as how to help, only let you know I've been there and eventually over come.
One day at a time..one moment at a time is all you can do. If I could wave a magic wand and grant you that one wish I would do it in a minute you and everyone else who suffers each and every day on that roller coaster. Im not magic so I cant instead all I can do is keep offering you these two ears to listen and a shouler if you need it..
Did you sign up on that xanga xmas card list?
Hugs and a better tomorrow for you
B.
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