December 10, 2002
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Oh man, I've got to remember to keep paying my month to month fee to keep this, Bipolar site, on the Premium service! That's what I get for not coming here everyday to blog. *sigh*
Well, it's just going to have to wait because I don't have the money this month.
I really do believe that I am stablizing and that is a good thing, but I'm still battling the mixed states. I mean one day I am at the bottom of the barrel, no, I'm UNDER the barrel, then the next day I'm just floating in the middle of it, then I'm floating at the top and then I'm on the edge. I guess I'm living in and on a barrel. Well that kindof sucks, doesn't it? Viewing life as some big pickle barrel.
But then I guess we people that deal with our bipolar disorders view life differently all the time. Sometimes as pickle barrels, sometimes as roller coasters, sometimes as an abyss, as a vortex... there are so many ways to view our lives and it also goes along with our state of minds of course.
During my last session with Dr. J, he asked me a question that I am not sure how to answer. I may have brought this up in my last blog and if I did, please forgive me, but he asked me how I seem different to myself and others when I'm stable and on an even keel. He also asked me how that relates to our goals there and what are we trying to accomplish there.
Okay, the last question, I can answer that pretty well, but that first question. That blows me away and its really bothered me because the more I think about it the more I realize that I don't EVER remember EVER being what I would consider *EVEN*! I've either been very energized, going like the energizer bunny and active as hell or very down, just slogging through things or so down that I can't do anything except drag myself out of bed to the bathroom and back. So yeah, I'm having problems answering that question.
Maybe I will answer him just like that. I mean, that's honest. What the hell *IS* EVEN anyway?
June Cleaver.... THAT is EVEN. Moms of the 50's as depicted on TV, that's what even is.
Hmm.... idealization? Is that another one of my flaws?
What do you think?
BTW, sorry I haven't blogged in so long. This month has got me yo'yo-ing like you wouldn't believe, well maybe you would believe it.
I hate the whole month of December. I hate winter. I hate this month because this is the month I watched cancer of EVERYTHING destroy my dad and I watched him fade away and then pass away on Dec. 23 with his viewing being on the 24th and then his funeral on the 25th. Then there is the whole thing about xmas and the money and all that. *heavy sigh*
Okay I just don't want to bring anyone else down. I just don't like this month or anything associated with and if I could I would skip the whole month and everything associated with it.
Okay, on that note, I'll close for now. Sorry to be so depressing.
Comments (4)
It's okay I'm already depressed!
Your not depressing me at all. Its the opposite you help me to see inside your world the way you feel it. My 21 yr old step daughter is bi polar and the more i read and the more deb tells me the more I think so is marty (my fiancee) they had told him he had major derpressive disorder..but he cycles a lot like you do he will be a bundle of energy like hes on speed for days sometimes even a week or more then crash down down down..hes quiet, sullen, wants to sleep all day...then boom back up and lets do it all ...and reading you helps me to see it differently...
thanks for letting me read it and get to know you through your blogs
Belinda
Not depressing me...I was sorta depressed last night and this morning and reading xanga blogs has made me feel a little better and forget why I was so upset
You need to let it out, here in digital paper. The only way to move through it is to let it out. Don't keep it bottled up inside, it festers and become something worse. So free it to the world and heal from it.
Peace Be With You!
Comments are closed.