November 14, 2002
-
I went to my pdoc on Tuesday.
He upped my Wellbutrin to 200mgs per day, just slowly upping until we probably get to max does. He also took me up to the next step of Topamax. I'm now up to 200mgs of that per day. Still on the Klonipin, Lamictal and the Seroquel too.
We spent a lot of time talking and he reminded me that what I am going through is just another depressive cycle, that I have been here before and that it will even out and that I made the commitment to stick with my treatment plan. I agreed with him and I am committed to sticking with my treatment plan. I'm not going to stop the meds. I know they're the part of the only thing keeping me from sinking even deeper into that black hole.
I seriously just want this cycle to end. Just when I think the cycle is ending I take another nose dive. Its like it's teasing me, like here's the light, reach for it, its right here and then when I do, its snatched away from me and the darkness laughs its evil laugh and says, "FOOL! Did you actually think I would allow you to have it?"
I'll get hold of that light somehow, someway and I will do it soon. I just don't know when. I just have to keep fighting. Medications and therapy are my weapons and my armor and writing is another weapon for me I suppose as well and if by writing and sharing my experiences like this I help others arm themselves, then that makes me happy. That's all I want to do... help others. I don't want others to suffer like this. I don't want ANYONE to go through this hell.
Comments (4)
best of luck!!
I know it is hard!! but worth it!!
I read a few of your most recent blogs, and briefly scanned several of the ones preceding that. So sorry to hear you're teetering on the brink of that place which is the worst of the worst---depressive paralysis. I call it "lower than a snake's belly". As a fellow manic-depressive, I certainly understand your pain.
When I signed your guest book a little while ago, I forgot to mention how much I love the beautiful and touching graphics on your site! I clicked the link to vote for it, but there was no way to tell if my vote was accepted or not.(???).
As we (hopefully) get to chatting, I have lots of things to share with you around our mutual disease, which I hope will be a source of comfort to you. One thing you certainly seem to have going for yourself, is a wonderful family support network---support is one of the most important coping tools we can have!
Signing off now. Blessings to you and yours, as we trudge "Onward & upward"! ~Shelley
HI.IVE BEEN READING YOUR SITE FOR AWHILE AND I TOTALLY EMPATHIZE.IT SOUNDS JUST LIKE...WEL,...ME.....IM BIPOLAR ALSO AND IT HAS BEEN WRENCHING TO SAY THE LEAST.IVE BEEN ON ALMOST EVERY MEDICATION AND AM TIRED OF BEING A GUINEA PIG.I AM READY TO TAKE MY LIFE BACK AND FIND WHAT REALLY WORKS.MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN DOING RESERCH ON THIS AS WELL...ID LIKE TO SHARE MORE WITH YOU IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN EMAILING PLEASE LET ME KNOW I AM SERIOUS AND DEDICATED.PEACE=)MAO
Seems like you are doing exactly what you hope to reaching out to others and helping them. I try to do the same if just leaving one kind word or comment makes you feel better I am so glad. I know you will get to that light again you have a family that loves you and that is so great. You seem to want it enough to go after it and I think you will make it there it may not be an easy battle and there may not be an end but still I think you will make it
Belinda
Comments are closed.