October 31, 2002

• I went back to the pdoc this past Tuesday. Got another adjustment to the med cocktail. The topomax got increased to 75mgs twice a day, still taking 100 mgs of Lamictal twice a day; 1mg klonipin twice a day, and now Welbutrin has been added.

  
  

  He added it in at a low dose to begin with, just 100mg to start with in light of recent life events. He doesn't want to flip me up into a total manic cycle.

  
  

  I'm still grieving over the loss, but I am muddling through. Doing a little more each day. I know that I'm in danger of slipping, very easily, back into a deep and dark depression, but I don't want to go back there so I am doing what I can to keep from going back there. I'm fighting it.

  
  

  I'm sticking with my treatment. I'm committed, I'm going to remain committed. I have to in order to save my life.

  
  

  One moment at a time. I have to play by those rules.

  
  

  I've started worrying about everything again. Worrying so much that I'm breaking out again. I look like I have acne on my chin again, but I don't. Its the stress from worrying about everything.

  
  

  I'm still having frequent crying spells and energy is zero. I'm counting the small achievments like my workbooks tell me to do. Like getting up. Showering. Brushing hair, teeth, all the stuff so many take for granted. Along with getting dressed, cleaning the house, reading so many pages of a book, writing a poem, hell, blogging! It all adds up.
  
  I'm coming back. Slowly, yes, but still, I'm not gone.

  • 9:43 pm
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