October 7, 2002

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  Well if this is how I've felt lately. I thought it was a great picture to go with all the crappy feelings of uselessness, unworthiness, plain-out ugliness and all the other negetive "less" words that I can't think of at the moment.      At least I did get dressed today. I put on one of my favorite sweaters and a pair of leggings that go with it. I even put on socks and that is a biggy for me since I abhore wearing shoes and socks! I'd rather go barefoot all year round. They're just too constricting.      Yes, I have been taking my meds like a good girl. The Klonipin messes with me a little bit, but I am getting used to it. It does help calm me down, that's for sure. I'm still fighting with depression though.

  Sometimes I wonder if I am ever going to NOT be depressed. But I know that I can't give up and that I have to stick with my treatment plan. I keep that foremost in my mind when I start feeling like this.
       Halloween is coming up and that's a good thing. It happens to be my favorite holiday unlike most people that name "Christmas" as their favorite. Personally, if I didn't have kids, I wouldn't even celebrate Xmas. It's too commercialized, but then these days what holiday isn't? Xmas costs too much. People go out and spend money they don't have to get things for people that they don't want now you tell me how much sense that makes and FORGET about going to ANY store on the day AFTER Xmas! Its like watching pitbulls fight over a slab of beef thrown between them! Long lines, angry scowls, name calling, pushing, shoving... who needs that kind of stress? Certainly not me and I won't do it. I absolutely refuse to go anywhere on the day after all the fluff. It's just not worth it. The stores are bad, but the roadways are worse.
       Ever heard of a little thing called, "Road Rage?" Well, on December 26th it's all the roads know! People honking their horns, flipping their middle fingers at one another, thumbing their nose, yelling obsenities... you can keep it! I wonder how many people out there eat their blood pressure meds like candy on that day? Hmm... something to think about, eh?
       Thanksgiving is getting just as bad. You fix all this food for people you would rather not deal with, listen to your mother tell you, "Well dear, if you would have basted the turkey like *I* *told* *you* *to* then it wouldn't be this dry!" or your dad yelling at the TV because the Broncos are playing the Bears and he has a bet riding on, which team now?, The one losing of course. "You dumbasses!" he yells while jumping up and down on your brand new sofa, spilling his beer down the front of the new shirt your mother bought him just for the occasion, "Run the damned football to YOUR goal line, DUH! You IDIOTS! Thelma! Get me another beer!" You sigh as you continue to work in the steaming hot kitchen. You raise the window to let some of the sweet, cool air into the house and your aunt comes in and shivers in an exagerated fashion and promptly goes over and shuts the window. "You'll catch your death of cold, dear," she says so sugary while her perfume wafts over you and you wonder if the food is going to taste like "Pearly Busom Buddy," all the rage in Paris, according to her. Paris, Texas? Paris, Kentucky? You can't help but to wonder if she bathed in it. What's she trying to hide anyway?
       Your aunt desperately wants to help as you shoo her into the livingroom with your other family. "Oh Bill, stop your yelling at the TV, you're going to disturb little William and he is trying to take a nap!" your well-meaning aunt says.
       Little William is 16 years old and he's not dummy. He bailed out of the house before 7 a.m. to go riding around with his friends and play some football out in the field at school. "Yes mom, I'll be back by 5 to eat dinner with you and, what do you call them, the perfumed, beer-stained, get-on-my-nerves vultures?" You had no choice but to laugh. Remember, kids hear EVERYTHING you don't want them to hear and then NOTHING that you do want them to hear!
       Okay, I have rambled enough about holidays. And people wonder why other people get depressed about them. Hmm, go figure.

  • 1:25 pm
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