October 2, 2002
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Smoking cigarettes one by one
Tell me dear, are we having fun?
The doctor said, "personality disorder"
what's with that? I don't answer myself!
(Yes you do.) Oh shut up, will you?
Just what is "Borderline Personality Disorder?"
Or how about "Post Tramuatic Stress Disorder?"
Let's not forget "Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder!"
Mix all that shit with Bipolar Disorder and you
get me... one big fucking disorder.
Yes, I can admit it. I have a split personality, but I thought that was flippin' normal.
I *know* I am someone else when I go into the rages or the deep depressions
or the high manic episodes! Of course I am someone else!
Yes, I see people that others around me don't and I hear their
voices and I talk back to them, but that is a gift of mine!
Yes, even though my daddy went to Summerlands 17 years ago and I still go visit
the place we scattered his ashes and sit upon the river bank and have discussions with him,
does that make me crazy?
I hate that word... crazy. Shit. I'm more screwed up then I knew! *heavy sigh*
I don't like the person I become when I'm in a rage. I don't like her one damned bit. I have no control over her.
I used to say "it" instead of "her" but that isn't good for me.
That won't help me deal with the darker side of me.
Hell, I even made a xanga site for the darker side of me.
HELLO? Shouldn't that have been the first clue for me? Gods, sometimes I can be so stupidly blind!
There are so many parts that make up who I am that sometimes I scare myself thinking
I am actually schizophrenic and have just been misdiagnosed all this flippin' years.
Wouldn't that be some crap to find out?!
I'm not doing so hot on giving up my Pepsi today. I've had three today.
I don't guess that is too bad though since I am down from 8+ a day to only 3,
but I will have a 4th I know because I'm saving the last of the coffee for in the morning.
I'll buy more coffee when I go to the store in the morning. Yippee Skippy. I hate going out.
But my *mother* sent her damned list up here tonight telling me that she wanted all that shit bought in the morning!
Gods, she is so demanding on me and she knows I have all this shit going on and that she stresses me even worse but does she give a rat's behind? No. She doesn't care. That's the whole thing. All she cares about is what she needs, what she wants, what she gets! AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just want to strangle that bitch sometimes! She just drives me bonkers and she knows it! She doesn't even TRY not to do it. Hell, half the time I think she does it for entertainment for herself! If I ever go bald... it will be her fault. She's OVER half the reason I'm a basketcase. Hey, put blame where blame is due. I wouldn't if I hadn't come to terms with it myself. I blame me all the time, but now I know that I'm not to blame. Enviromental factors (to put it a nice way) while I was supposed to be growning up were to blame. So see? It's not all my fault.
I'm not blaming my parents for everything, understand, but I sure do blame them for the shit I went through when I was little and passed around like a Christmas fruit cake that no one wanted! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That just pisses me off!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe I should put this blog over in my bitch site. No, I'll put something else there tonight or tomorrow. Depends on when I decide to get my latest rant out of my system.
Well, I finally got my Klonopin med. Talk about doing a number on me when it first kicked! I'll have to get used to that. I don't think I will be mixing it with the Buspar any time soon unless one of those rages takes me over, then those could come in quite handy.
Well, I will go for now... or should I say "We'll" go for now. LOL
Thanks for reading me.
Comments (2)
I just had a talk with my counselor about split personality or whatever they are calling it now. I told her that I couldn't have that. I would know it, wouldn't I? I am 33 years old. But when you describe someone taking over when you are in a rage scares me, because I feel that way too.
Hey Stormy. I sort of understand where you're coming from. I have depression. A close friend has despression and bi-polar disorder. Plus the depression runs 3 generations before her. An ex-friend had bi-polar, split-personalities, and schizophrenia. And my friend's bf has bi-polar as well. My two friends were majorly beat and abused as children, and the ex-friend was raised by all women with no male role-model. I think a lot more people suffer from this stuff than we think, it's just recently that more are being more open about it. Thanks for this site. You've helped me understand more of how people work, and what I may have to do to become my full self. *smile* ~forestchild~
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