September 16, 2002
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Personal Entry...
Mixed states pretty much bite. I can't seem to get out of mine.
I look back today, at all I have done last week, last two weeks and think, "WOW! Did *I* get *ALL* of that accomplished?" *heavy sigh*
I've been, or so it seems, in a depressed state of mind since the wee-hours of the morning. I didn't go to bed *again* until 5AM and I got up at 10AM. Five whole hours.
I'm staying up 30 to 37+ hours and then sleeping for two to five hours, on one occasion I did sleep for 11 hours. But then my sleep isn't solid. Its interrupted by vivid nightmares and dreams. I don't even get any peace while sleeping, so what's the point? So I go and go and go until my body just shuts off... running out of gas.
I'm so sick of being sick. I'm so tired of being tired.
I'm taking my meds religiously... not skipping doses, not stopping them on my own and I know I have to give the new meds time to work. I made a commitment to myself to "stick with the program," this time. I'm not going to go back on my word.
But days like this are so hard. I don't want to do anything. Hell, it seems like I *can't* do anything; so I sit.
I feel the cycles run through me, my mind racing a dozen different directions and, at the same time, no direction at all... stagnant. *sigh* I just want to be better. I want to have *normal* energy. I want to BE normal!!!!!!!!!!!!
I get mad because I am the way I am. I'm mad that I have this screwed up brain. I'm mad because everyone I love has had to *deal* with my mood swings. I'm mad even more so because they are *used to it*!!! Why should they HAVE to be *USED* to it in the first place?!?! I don't like putting them through *MY* hell! It's not fair to them!
What choice do I have though? All my masks are broken when it comes to them. I try to bottle it all inside and fail at that too... they see through it, hence the mask comment... my SOCIAL masks with them... they're all broken and lay in shambles around me.
I cry in the night when no one can hear me.
I cry in private where no one can see me.
I hurt so much inside and want it all out of me.
The pain, I suppose, is bearable because I'm shouldering it, but I feel like I'm ready to fall. I feel like *I'm* going to crumble... the rock that I feel I am supposed to be is cracked in so many places and its hard and getting harder to hold it all together.
I'm glad I have my pdoc appointment tomorrow. Maybe he can help. Maybe he can suggest some ways for me to help myself.
Why do I have to be bipolar? Why does ANYONE have to suffer with this damned disease? Why can't they just find a cure? What's wrong with me? I'm bipolar, yeah, but what's REALLY wrong with me?
Gods, I feel like such a whiner and such a loser.
*heavy sigh*
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