August 25, 2002
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Personal Entry...
This weekend has been HARD. I've been cycling like crazy, even though I am taking my meds. Gods, I can't wait until 9/3/02 for my pdoc appointment.
Don't get me wrong, I know that he's not going to wave a wand over me and I will be instantly cured. I'm still based here in reality folks.
I woke up Saturday morning around 9:30 in a manic cycle. I didn't realize it until a little after I woke up. That's when I noticed my thoughts were racing, my speech was going a mile a minute and the rage... Gods help me, the rage was building like a wildfire!
I, unfortunately, blew up. I yelled at the kids and my husband. I flew off the handle for something stupid. When I realized then what was going on I went and hid, again, in my bedroom. I paced. I tore up paper. I hit the wall a few times. I did everything and anything I could just to wear myself out! It was terrible! I screamed over and over again, "Why do I have to have this shit?! Tell me why!" I wasn't screaming at anyone in particular, mind you; I was alone. No answer came this time except the little voice in my head (no, I'm not schizophrenic either) kept repeating, "You know why and besides why does ANYONE have to have this shit?" Yeah, ain't that the million dollar zinger question!
After I wore myself out and it seemed that I was cycling down once again, I just gave up and went back to bed. I slept until after 7pm when D. woke me up wanting me to eat and all that. We went on our little fishing outing and the moon, the stars, the darkness of the night, the pond and the peace and quiet did do me some good. I calmed down. I relaxed just a little and I can honestly say I enjoyed the couple of hours we were out there.
Today, I'm still cycling. The stupid cats triggered me a couple of times today since they are running all over the house and a few other NOT IMPORTANT things triggered me, but I didn't hide today. I've been up all day. That's a plus for me. I'm not saying I didn't WANT to go hide.... go to my bed and just sleep.... even though the nightmares still plague me.
I'm sleeping far too much. That's all I do any more. I'm sick of sleeping all the time, but then again, it's all I want to do. I have to fight with myself to MAKE myself stay out of that bed! I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to want to sleep all the time.
Sleep.... it doesn't let me be conscious of the pain.
Comments (3)
You get 2,000,000,000,000 e props!!! This site is wonderful!!!! I wish I could take the entry where you answered those questions and implant them in some ignorant people's minds. I wish the people who are so mean about it could just get inside and FEEL what it's like for a day . ..
And hope things are going better for you . . . after what you recently went thru, things can be shaky soon after things like that know what I mean? Are you going to be put on meds soon? Or did you already? I'm still waiting for my new stuff to kick in only one more week or so of this jaw-clenching, rambling, aggravatedness.
Sometimes, do you just feel so overwhelmingly sad for no reason, like some tragedy just happened to you even tho it didnt'? Yesterday I did. I felt completely . . . what's the word? Like I"d just lost the most important thing to me or had been wronged in the worst way. My girlfriend had no idea waht my problem was but I did my best and wasn't mean to her. I just needed someone to hold me for awhile. that was what i needed. SOmetimes the rage, the hurt, the pain is so bad, you just need someone to hold you for a while to help . . .my girlfriend however usually wants me to get away from her in those moods but yesterday she finally realized what good it does for me . . .I felt so much better afterwards . . .of coruse there are other times when I don't want anything to do with any one, but at that time, I just needed someone to just envelop me with love and try to take away the pain I was goin thru.
I love the spinning TAO gifts. I just found your site so I look forward to the happier antics of your path and not those scary mood swings. But hey I have behaved worse. I bet we all have some stories, eh?
Take Care. When I wanna spin some TAO gifs here I had better find the posts as great as they are reading this morning. You are lucky to have gone fishing, many people have never been and me personally haven't fished since a child. Miss that.
Hmm.> I thought the meds were supposed to stop the cycling?? Does your body just become immune to the meds after a while??
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