I’ve decided to give my therapist another try. I’m not real sure that I want to but I’m going to. My next appointment is this coming Saturday, the 30th. I have a pdoc appointment on Friday, the 29th.

I’ve been pretty down since my last therapy session and can’t seem to pull out of the funk. I’m not totally stuck in the marsh of depression but I’m not all sunshine and smiles either. I wish I would have a good hypomanic cycle and then I wouldn’t have to feel any pain at all. *sigh*

I think about shit too much. I wish I could just not think. Just turn the old brain off for awhile, ya know? But I can’t. It runs constantly. I can’t stop it. There are constant thoughts and pictures in it… thoughts and pictures that I don’t want in there. The more I resist them the more there are of them.

I fucking hate being like this! I hate my past! I hate my present! I’ll probably hate my future too!

SHIT. I didn’t mean for this to turn into another bad blog.

Well it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged. Things just haven’t been all roses and sunshine.

I had my third session with the therapist yesterday and it went really, really, really bad. I’m upset at her. I’m upset with myself. I’m upset with the whole fucking world right now.

I feel like my whole world is falling apart and I have absolutely no power to keep it together! I *HATE* feeling like this!

Since my therapy session yesterday I have been depressed and teary. I did manage to take my meds today but of course, I didn’t feel any different.

I ended up yelling and crying in therapy yesterday — I just totally lost any and all composure that I had. I felt 500 times worse when I left then when I went in and I am seriously considering NEVER going back!

Right now I hate her! I’m so pissed off at her that I can’t see straight. I don’t want to see or talk to her.

I wanted to trust her. I wanted to be able to talk to her. I wanted to get help.

I feel like I have once again been slapped in the face for asking for help!

I wish like hell I could describe every word and everything that transpired yesterday but I can’t. All I can say is that it went very, very, very WRONG.

I feel like I should have NEVER opened my mouth. I will never trust anyone again, I can tell you that much.

I came home crying, I couldn’t even talk to anyone here at home, I just went straight to my bedroom and locked myself up and bawled.

My husband came back to find out what happened and I told him and he ended up sounding just like her and that pissed me off too! I feel like everyone is out to get me now.

So in order to escape the pain I did what I have always done… ever since I knew how…. I lost myself in the world of a book because I couldn’t force myself to go to sleep without the events replaying themselves over and over in my mind.

I read and read and read yesterday. I got totally absorbed in the world I was reading about… the characters, etc. I left my plane of exsistance and went into the book’s and that is where I stayed until the end of the book and then I immediately jumped into another. I fell asleep reading.

I didn’t feel any better this morning when I woke up either. If anything I am just more horrified by yesterday’s events that transpired in my therapist’s office.

Why in the hell did I ever think I could talk to her? What in the hell made me think that I could trust her not to hurt me?

I will never trust again and I am still unsure as to whether I will go back to her.

My husband wants me to and says that I need to. She told me she hoped that I would come back. Why? Why should I? She doesn’t care. I’m just a paycheck to her.

Cynical? Yeah, just a bit. I’m mad. I’m hurt. I’m disgusted. I feel betrayed. I’m terrified. I’m depressed over all of it. I wish I would have never, never, NEVER opened my damned mouth!

GODS I WAS SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!