August 30, 2002
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Personal Entry…
Why do I have to keep riding this screwed-up roller coaster? I’m ready to get off the ride please. Thank you and have a WONDERFUL day! The park is closed now…
Only if it were that easy! The rapid cycling is getting the better of me. I’ve just got this three day weekend to get through. I just have to hold on… I see the pdoc Tuesday.. 9 AM. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
The little voice in my head… the one I call my inner critic is screaming back at me… “No you can’t, no you can’t, no you can’t! You’re going to lose it! Call the guys in the white coats and get it over with!”
I tell the inner critic to shut the hell up. I don’t need his shit. OMG, I just gave it gender. Okay. I’m not losing it. I’m okay. Things will be okay. I’m just going through a cycle. Let’s be logical about this. Let’s maintain our wits, shall we? *heavy sigh*
I’ve been like this all day. I didn’t sleep well last night either. Nightmares… all night long. Dreaming of cell bars and cell mates who were not too happy with me invading their space, nevermind the fact that I didn’t WANT to be there invading their space… it was still my problem. Dreams of needles and pills filled with tranqualizers that render me awake, but unable to move or speak. Hell, I couldn’t even blink, but the eyes… oh the eyes remained open so I could see everything and my hearing remained intact so I could hear. Not a fun nightmare, brother, let me tell ya!
Nightmares of being alone. Just me… no one ANYWHERE. The entire world a ghost town. There was no one to talk to, no one to hold or to be held by… my children, my husband, my friends… POOF… just vanishing. I would think that I seen them, would get closer and they would evaporate into thin air.
Dreams of shakles and chains. “Chains, chains, shackles and chains…” from the country song. Sorry, can’t remember the artist that recorded it. Good song though.
Today has been no better then the night was. I’ve been manic most of the day. I started working on the TMP website and was getting highly frustrated… so much so that I was crying with tears of rage when I noticed that it was 4:30 PM!!!!!! I started working on it around 9 AM this morning!!!!!!!!!!
The rage built and I ended up chewing out one of my best friends for just trying to help me out as well as my eldest son and my husband. Gods, they don’t deserve that and Goddess knows I tried to hold it all inside. I tried so hard that it made my shake! But it all came exploding out like a firey, hot, mammoth volcano that had supressed itself for too long. *heavy sigh*
I have since apologized. Apologies don’t amount to a hill of beans though once I blow my top like that and the hurtful words come spewing from my mouth like venom. I’m lucky they fogive me at all, let alone go on loving and supporting me.
They don’t understand, fully, what it is that I experience and I pray to all the deities that they never, ever do because in order to fully understand, you have to experience for yourself and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst and most hated enemy (not that I have “hated enemies”, per say).
I HATE my disorder! I hate what it does to me. I hate what it causes me to do to others. No, scratch that. *I* am responsible for the things that I do, ultimately. But when you have no real control over your actions and you don’t go lock yourself away in your bedroom or wherever to be alone so that you don’t blow up at the ones you love… well…. then shit happens, doesn’t it?
Yes, I should have stopped my work on the webpages. Yes, I should have just gone back there to my bedroom and waited the cycle out like I normally do and actually, I tried that, but the flippin’ web pages called me back. I’m so OC (Obsessive/Compulsive) about my web work and it’s worse in a manic cycle. That bugs me too. Grrr.
Anyway, I have ragged on for far too long. I didn’t mean to go on like I did. I just needed to get it out someway other then the work I did at http://www.the-morning-pages.com . I just revamped the entryway and the main page and a few other things here and there. No big deal. So why did I let it get to me like I did? Who knows? *shrug*
Thank the Gods for my writing. I don’t know what I would do to spend the energy… both positive and negative when I get it like that, if I couldn’t write.
Hope your day is going better then mine.
Much love to all. Sorry to be such a downer today.
Comments (3)
Well it does suck that we have to do things that stop our projects and hide away from people in our beds to keep from going off on someone when we don’t mean to, so either way it isn’t fair.
Yes, we are responsible for our actions. But emotions can contribute to actions. And when we don’t have control over our emotions, sometimes we do things that we would NEVER normally do.
I am glad you still have the love and support of your faqmily. And you are absolu7tely right when you say that no one cuold ever completely understand it until they have gone thru it. But thank god for the people who try even if they haven’t.
I had been quite manic for awhile but rite now i’m very mixed up, as you will see if you read my email to the TMP list. I copied it onto my xanga site as well even tho none of the peopel I write to ever comment on my site anymore.
I am so glad you have a site like this. I try to make my site a combo of my whole life, but you take parts and make them into separate sites that is really cool.
I give you 200,000,000 eprops
I know I dont know you and probably have no right to even comment but I really wanted to just say
Dont let the white coats come get you yet
I just got done listening to this motivational tape again one of many lately. One of the things she covered was that “negative inner voice” she told a story about another coach and his student, the coach told the student to name that voice, student did it..then he told her to go get in her car, once she was in the car he told her to back up and run that sucker over. He then asked her if the voice was dead (once she got it and backed up over it a few times) she said no but shes mortally wounded…so she named it and gave it gender to and she wasnt bi polar 
She also said to put a rubber band on you hand and every time that voice just doesnt want to shut up flick it not hard but just enough that you think to shut it up. Ive been doing it and so far it works.
I am not bi polar but fight with PMS mood swings that get pretty bad. I have some really bad days and some really good ones and more and more people cant tell. I know its easy to say but there is light down there at the end of that tunnell just dont give up and keep looking for it. Take thing a day at a time even minutes if you have to then give yourself a big pat on the back for making it that far!
They say that thoughts lead to actions in all those tapes so i try really hard to keep them good ones but those bad days they are just plain bad. I force myself out of bed, drag myself to work, put on the happy face, pop in my tapes and so far its really helps me get thru the day at work ..home is the tough part
hang in there and thanks for sharing all of that it makes my problems somehow seem less than they are
Belinda
Hello my friend. We all have demmons deep within us that kick and scratch and try to come out. Some people just have more or stronger ones than othes. And thre are those that have additional problems that make it impossilble to keep those nasty things under controll all the time. Hope you get that roller coaster on a straight and peaceful path soon. You’ve been in that nasty dark hole too long girl, time to come out and see the bright sunshine and smell the sweet fragrance of the last days of Summer. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you and I know you can pull yourself out.