Oh my. A little more then a month has passed since I last blogged here. Shame on me.

I have blogged on my SheWolf site though so I guess that is something.

I have fallen back into a depressive cycle. I’ve been despretely trying to keep myself out of it… fighting it… but its won. I finally confessed to my husband last night, telling him how sorry I was that I’d fallen and how guilty I felt about it.

Of course he told me that I had nothing to be sorry or guilty about but still, I do.

I’ve been wearing those old social masks around here again… you know the ones I talk about… the ones that make you look okay to everyone on the outside while inside you are falling apart, while inside you are sobbing, feeling like you are dying. But we can’t let the masks crack, we can’t let them see. The masks have to stay strong so that no one feels uncomfortable around us.

Its a living hell but I do it for my family. I’m supposed to be okay now. I’m on all this freakin’ medications now, I’m supposed to be OKAY DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to go to bed again and never get up. I just want the world to go away again and leave me alone. I don’t want anyone to see me or hear me. I don’t want to get dressed. I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t have any flippin’ energy anymore. *sigh* This sooo sucks!

I hurt so bad inside again. Why can’t this feeling just stay away? Why did it come back? WHY DID IT HAVE TO FUCKING COME BACK?! What in the hell did I do to make it come back???????????????

I’m mad. I’m depressed. I feel sick. I have no energy. I want to sleep. I want to give up again. I don’t want to me anymore. I’m sick of being bipolar. I thought I was going to be okay. Here I am again, fucking depressed.

I hate me.