Month: March 2003





  • I often find myself in the middle of panic and/or anxiety attacks either for reasons I know or for reasons I have no clue about. They’re very scarey and sometimes it feels like you are dying.


    I hate having them.


    Trying to overcome my agoraphobia, the “exercises” I’ve been doing in trying to overcome it, gives me panic/anxiety attacks.  See, I HAVE to leave my house as an exercise in getting over my agoraphobia. I have to THINK about leaving my house and imagine leaving my house as exercises of my agoraphobia. I have to walk outside my house, by myself and let go of the doorknob as an exercise. I have to walk out in the middle of the yard all by myself as an exercise. I have to keep pushing the envelope.


    There are other times I have panic/anxiety attacks too, but I’m not going to go into that right now. But I did find this article very informative and hope that someone out there may benefit from it too.


    Love to all out there.


    The artical can be found at: http://bipolar.about.com/library/weekly/aa032203-breath1.htm


    “Easing Anxiety Naturally” by JoAnn Revak explores methods to reduce anxiety by discharging tension and gives a beginners’ exercise in breath work. These techniques can be useful whether you are taking anti-anxiety medications or not.


    I hope that y’all go over there and read the article. Its a wonderful article just like all the articles are there in the BP Community.

  • OUCH!!!!!


    No one likes the factual articles? They just want to see my personal entries?


    I don’t know quite what to think about that.





  • A Book List for Bipolar Disorder


    This list can also be found at: http://bipolar.about.com/cs/books/index.htm#m


    The ones highlighted are the ones I have and are working my way through. I also have Mary Copeland’s workbooks, “Living without Depression and Manic Depression and Living without Depression.” In my opinion, they are great workbooks with some wonderful and helpful exercises in them.


    I thought it was far past time to put up an INFORMATIVE post since that is half of what this Xanga site is supposed to be about.


    I hope some of you find this helpful.


    Love,
    Stormy


    The Bipolar Child
    By Demitri Papolos, M.D., and Janice Papolos. Learn why this book is a must-read for anyone who parents or works with a child who has or might have early-onset Bipolar Disorder.


    The Bipolar Child – Revised and Expanded Edition
    The definitive work on bipolar children has now become even better. Here’s a look at what’s new in the 2002 edition of Demitri and Janice Papolos’ ground-breaking book.


    Bipolar Puzzle Solution
    By Bryan L. Court, Gerald E. Nelson. A unique book written by a mental health client (with a psychiatrist’s commentary), contains actual questions from members of bipolar disorder support groups and covers the whole person: physical, emotional, and spiritual components of recovery.


    Electroboy: A Memory of Mania
    Andy Behrman’s manic memoirs suck the reader right into the whirlwind of his life up until bipolar disorder led him to take one risk too many and he wound up in prison for conspiracy to defraud. Electro-convulsive therapy proved to be the treatment that made the difference for him.


    His Bright Light: The Story of Nick Traina
    By Danielle Steel. Best-selling author courageously tells the story of her son, musician Nick Traina, whose bipolar disorder ultimately led him to suicide.


    Neural Misfire: A True Story of Manic Depression
    By Jeff Kazmierczak. We found this book to be a harrowing but compelling look at the experiences of a young man when he first experiences manic depression.


    We Heard the Angels of Madness
    by Diane and Lisa Berger. A fantastic resource for anyone whose life has been touched by the harsh realities of manic-depression. — Thank you Dianne for sending me this book.


    Win the Battle
    By Bob Olson with Melissa Olson. Subtitled “The 3-Step Lifesaving Formula to Conquer Depression and Bipolar Disorder,” this book will give hope to anyone who is struggling to find the right medications.


    Stop Clutter from Stealing Your Life
    Clutter is depressing. Depression breeds clutter. Hypo/mania buying sprees can add to clutter. Learn to break the cycle by identifying what makes you a clutterer and taking steps to take control instead of letting the clutter control you.


    Anthology of a Crazy Lady
    By Susan L. Heisler. You may love or hate this book; you may be angered or triggered by it. You may see yourself in it or learn from it. If you are any kind of therapist, this is a must-read.


    Agents in My Brain
    by Bill Hannon
    The author shares his experiences with “hyper manic highs and tearful depressive lows” illustrating that “peace” can be found again through medications. [Paperback]

    Beyond Prozac
    by Michael J. Norden, M.D.
    Dr. Norden looks at natural processes to supplement or replace the drug in the treatment of depression. [Hardcover]

     A Family-Focused Treatment Approach
    by David J. Miklowitz, Michael J. Goldstein, Lyman C. Wynne
    This is an indispensable treatment guide for all clinicians dealing with bipolar patients … it is a clearly written guide to a family-based program. In a managed care environment, this is a focused, flexible, and efficient treatment. – John F. Clarkin, PhD. [Hardcover]

    A Brilliant Madness
    by Patty Duke & Gloria Hochman
    Patty Duke shares her personal struggle with manic depression and medical reporter Gloria Hochman gives information on the disease itself. [Paperback]

    Call Me Anna
    by Patty Duke & Kenneth Turan
    Patty Duke unflinchingly tells her struggles leading up to her eventual diagnosis of manic depression. A moving and rewarding book. [Paperback]

    Darkness Visible
    by William Styron
    A chilling yet hopeful report of Styron’s descent into crippling depression – highly recommended. [Paperback]

    Feeling Good Handbook
    by David D. Burns
    Learn to isolate negative thoughts and focus on the positive. [Paperback]

    Flight of the Mind
    by Thomas C. Caramagno
    Virginia Woolf’s Art and Manic Depressive Illness. Draws from her journals and her published works, looking from a modern perspective on mental illness. [Hardcover]

    How You Can Survive When They’re Depressed
    by Anne Sheffield
    A valuable resource for those living and coping with the fallout of depression and manic depression. [Hardcover]

    Manic Depressive Illness
    by Frederick K. Goodwin & Kay Jamison
    An excellent resource of information on this illness. However, it is a fairly technical presention. [Hardcover]

    A Mood Apart
    by Peter C. Whybrow
    Dr. Whybrow examines mood disorder as “an affliction of the self,” exploring the human experience of manic depressive illness and rediscovering the human being within the diagnosis. [Hardcover]

    Out of the Shadows : Confronting America’s Mental Illness Crisis
    by E. Fuller Torrey
    E. Fuller Torrey’s polemic against the concept of “deinstitutionalization” takes us on a grim tour of the lives led by the mentally ill: untreated, homeless, jobless, and helpless against street violence. [Hardcover]

    Out of the Shadows : Confronting America’s Mental Illness Crisis
    by E. Fuller Torrey
    [Paperback]

    Prescription for Nutritional Healing
    by James and Phyllis Balch
    This is an excellent resource for information about vitamins, minerals, herbs and food supplements which contains a section specific to Bipolar Disorder. We do not, however, ever recommend discontinuing medication therapy without a doctor’s approval. [Paperback]

    Shadow Syndromes
    by John J. Ratey & Catherine Johnson
    A look at the mild forms of serious mental disorders that often seriously affect the course of our lives. [Hardcover]

    Touched with Fire
    by Kay Jamison
    An authoritative look at the relationship between manic-depressive illness and the artistic temperament. [Paperback]– Thank you Sherry for sending me this book.

    An Unquiet Mind
    by Kay Jamison
    A professor of medicine’s personal testimony of the revelation of her own struggle since childhood with manic-depression and how it has shaped her life. [Paperback]

    When Madness Comes Home
    by Victoria Secunda
    Help and hope for the children, siblings, and partners of the mentally ill. [Hardcover]

  • Well, I was supposed to go to the pdoc today, but his office called yesterday to reschedule me. They resceduled me all the way to the 24th! Only 4 days short of an entire month since I was last there.


    This really messes with me because I am in the routine of seeing him every other week. I’m thinking that maybe that is why I started feeling a little depression sinking in last night.


    I’m not really depressed today, just sort of down. Gods, I hope I am not headed for a mixed state again. I’m in those just far too often. Not as often as I used to be though. The med cocktail has really started to work. I just wish that my concentration would get better!


    Thanks to Apple, Red and Belinda for commenting on my poem in my last blog. I appreciate the feedback. That poem just came spewing out of me yesterday out of nowhere. I wasn’t watching TV or anything. Go figure.


    I found a book that I am really wanting super bad. I opened my newspaper today and there was a weekend TV guide insert and on the front of it was an ad for the USA Friday Night Movie which is, “The Stranger Beside Me”. Well its a true crime deal and its a book written by Ann Rule and its about Ted Bundy, but in a whole new light. She was following the serial killings and writting about them as they happened and the police notified her and told her it was Ted doing it. She was Ted’s friend!!!! Talk about turning someone for a loop! I wish we had the USA channel so I could see the movie tonight, but oh well, you know the books are always better.


    So now I am going to be looking for the book. I went to amazon and Ann Rule has written a lot of true crime books. I don’t know why I am drawn to them, but I am.


    Are you drawn to any certain type of book? If so, do you think it has anything at all to do with you having Bipolar if you have it? I’m drawn to true crime, horror, John Grisham books and things like that.


    Well folks, that’s all I feel like blogging here for now. Have a good weekend.


    Love to all.

  • Be Yourself
    ©Stormy Stevens 2003

     

     

    Beauty is irrelevant
    age is of the mind

     

    Strength is what we make it
    My health is mine

     

    We are bombarded daily
    to look a certain way

     

    Why do we torture ourselves
    instead of loving us every day?

     

    You must love yourself
    before another can, they say

     

    Is avoiding the things you love
    Denying yourself pleasures the way?

     

    Why look like another
    Just look like yourself

     

    Be happy with what you got
    Don’t put parts of you on the shelf

     

    Love yourself, for you are beautiful
    Don’t let anyone tell you different

     

    Love yourself because your alive
    and tell all those ad execs to get bent!

  • Saturday, March 8, 2003
    ©Stormy Stevens, 2003


    I shut myself down emotionally
    not letting them in–No cracks

    I smiled and played the part
    I was expected–and I didn’t look back

    My nephew and new bride
    so happy and jittery too

    I hugged them both warmly
    and told them “I love you.”

    My mother said hello to me
    I said a cordial hello back

    That’s the only words I spoke to her
    Love for her, I completely lack

    My brother tried to talk to me
    about computers and such

    I configured his so it would work for him
    I really didn’t have to do much.

    My sister-in-law’s family were there
    and I have no beef with them

    I held their babies and talked to all
    I think, with them, the better I blend.

    My sister-in-law strained for me
    to somehow “take her back”

    Maybe someday soon I will
    My love for her doesn’t really lack

    My oldest boy’s girlfriend came
    and she was quiet as a mouse

    I know exactly how she felt
    like we didn’t belong in that house.

    We finally got to leave after
    staying a “fair” amount of time

    I didn’t waste a minute with my coat
    when at two O’Clock the hour did chime


    Once in the car, all six of us in the car
    I only looked back once and I didn’t shed a tear

    I knew now I’d not be poisoned anymore
    not by them, not by my family, not by fear

    We came home and the girlfriend stayed
    and it all just felt so nice

    I smiled to myself because I had
    just come through hell and I did it quite nice

    I smiled even more because no one knew
    what exactly was going on inside

    My husband had the slightest clue
    and maybe I’ll tell him sometime.

  • Hello out there! I want to thank Cluelessapple and Belindaann38 for faithfully visiting my site here and supporting me along with all you others out there that stop by.


    I know that I don’t post regularly, but I wish that I could. I’m just not a “regular” or “normal” person. Sometimes I may post everyday for a month or better. Sometimes I may go a month or better without posting a thing. One day you may visit and I have completely revamped the site. You just never know with me. Its just when the mood strikes. The same goes for my Den site, its just a matter of mood I suppose.


    My agoraphobia is getting better. I can go out to a few stores now and things like that. I still have some panic attacks, but that is to be expected. I don’t really like going too far from home, but sometimes we do. I have to be with Darrin though. I worry about the codependency on him, but I will have to tackle that issue later. One issue at a time. I can’t tackle them all at once. One issue at a time just like one moment at a time.


    Hey, just a curious question, when y’all come to my site, do you hit that link up there at the top that says click here to vote for my site? As soon as you click it- that is the vote, and you can click it everytime you come to the site. I would really appreciate your votes. The votes help it raise on the board and therefore bring more people to the site and if I bring more people to the site maybe I can help more people understand more about Bipolar Disorder, ya know?


    I’m not saying you have to or anything, but I would sure appreciate it. It would help me out a lot.


    Oh, some great news! The factory that my husband left, well, today they came crawling back to him with their dirty, little tails tucked between their dirty, little legs and asked him to come back. He told them he would think about it over the weekend. They were trying every which way in the world to get him to come in today and negotiate the deal.


    He’s going to see the plant supervisor tomorrow and see what he’s got to offer. As long as it is what he was making before or more then he’s going back. Especially if it’s just a tech position. He (my hubby) said he would take the supervisor’s postion back if they asked him to, but he would rather work as the tech. LMAO.


    So that is going to take the stress of the bills and things off me. That is really, really a good thing.


    So anyway, that’s whats going on in my little corner of the world. We’re getting ready to eat supper and watch “The Ring” WooHoo!


    Have a good night/day everyone.

  • She would get no food tonight. She had started up the basement steps too soon– before the lock had clicked in place. He had thrown the door back open and she froze, terrified, and he bent down and swooped up the plate of hot, sweet-smelling food.


    “You stupid-assed brat! You KNOW you don’t come up those fucking steps until you hear the lock go back into place! Are you too stupid to learn that?!”


    She didn’t utter a sound, just stared at him, wide-eyed, not knowing if he actually wanted an answer from her or not. Instead, she lowered her head and edged down the steps, one by one on her bottom.


    The door slammed shut and the lights went out since they were controled from above. Another night of no food and having to sleep on the hard, cold, concrete floor. She tried to remember what she had done to warrent this punishment again, but as hard as she had tried, she couldn’t bring it to memory. The last thing she remembers is telling her aunt about her and her uncle playing horsey on the bed and how uncle showed her to hold onto his handle. Her aunt had gotten really mad.


    Then the next thing she knew she was being punished with the basement punishment. She had no clue as to what she had done wrong this time. She was trying so hard to be a good little girl. She didn’t want this punishment anymore. Of all the punishments this one was the worse, but then she thought that of every punishment she got.


    She wondered if all five year old girls were punished this way, if this was just the way life was everywhere. She didn’t know. If she was with daddy or mama, would they punish her like this too?


    Hours later she heard the lock click open again and the door open. She cowarded in the corner of the room, in the dark. She seen a bobbing light floating down the stairs. She was terrified. Was uncle adding something new to the basement punishment?


    It was her cousin. Her and her cousin were close, more like sisters. Her cousin brought her a plate of warmed up food and a big, fluffy sleeping bag. “Don’t let daddy catch you with this sleeping bag Stormy. Do you understand? If he does, then I will be in trouble too.” I told her I understood and would hide it in the junk boxes in the corner, making sure I was up and awake before him and that I would take my paper plate and plastic fork and stuff them in the holes in the walls and cover them back with the rocks that had fell out of those holes.


    My cousin hugged me and snuck back up the stairs and closed and locked the door back and went back to her room. At least someone was couragous enough in this family to risk helping her.


    After I ate, and the food was so good, I did as I promised and layed down and went to sleep. I woke up what seemed like every ten minutes, fearful that uncle would catch me.


    When morning came, I hid the sleeping bag and sat at the foot of the stairs. He opened the lock, put a bowl down, shut the door and waited. I didn’t move. I don’t know how long he waited but I didn’t move. Finally the lock clicked and I still waited. I waited until I heard his car pull out of the driveway before I rushed up the stairs and quickly at the stiffened oatmeal that was in the bowl.


    Yes, friends and neighbors. That is just one of the things I lived through when I was young. I hate basements. Most people are scared of basements due to having watched too many scary movies or a fear of the creepy crawlies that are always down there or whatever, but I am scared of going down into one and being locked up–either accidently or as a joke or on purpose or whatever. I will not, even when faced with a tornado or any other acts of nature or disaster go into a flippin’ basement!


    Who was this uncle that did this to me, you ask? The uncle that recently departed this world. I supposed that is why I needed to get this off my chest. I’ve been having nightmares about it again and maybe, I thought, if I wrote it out, the nightmares would stop, and I could get past, at least, this spot, in my life. I hope it works. I’m tired of waking up in the middle of the night thinking I’m in his basement again.

  • I just lost my whole web log, so I am going to have to start again. UGH!

    Oh well, it really is cathartic for me to blog here instead of writing in my notebook here at home so that I can get feedback and to let you, the reader, the precious reader who may feel totally alone and scared that they are all alone in this horrid disorder that you are NOT alone. There are THOUSANDS of us out here in the world suffering from this damned disorder, Bipolar Disorder, and it sucks and it bites and we are all wishing, hoping and praying that they will, eventually, find a cure for it.

    I do invite you to join the best online community that I have ever found that LITERALLY saved my life though. The people there on the forum boards are so loving, understand, have walked in our shoes, supportive, full of knowledge, ect. and then the articles on the site are wonderful about medications and far more then I can list here are wonderful and very educational. You can find this absolutly utopia for Bipolar Disorder and the people that love them at:

    http://bipolar.about.com/index.htm?terms=bipolar+disorder

    Sorry, it looks like you will have to copy and paste. Xanga is not allowing me to make it a link for some reason. You can register at the site for free and join the forum boards and you will find all kinds of topics there and all kinds of loving and supportive people that are more then happy to listen to your story and answer your questions.

    Moving on from that. My uncle died on the 23rd of last month. I’ve been having mixed emotions about and trying to deal with all that shit. One one hand I’m sorry a family member passed on, but on the other hand, and it feels like a dark, black, wrong hand, I’m cheering that he is gone because of all the abuse that I suffered at the hands of that man.

    My pdoc talked with me about it and told me he could understand the mixed feelings and that it was normal.

    I don’t feel that it is normal, I don’t feel that any part of me should feel happy about it and I told him so. He asked me why and I told him because society rules that you are not to be happy when someone dies. He told me, “I’m part of society and I don’t see anything wrong with it.” Well, that sort of threw me for a loop because he was, of course, correct. So I sat there for a minute and got flustered and blurted out, “Well, I wasn’t raised that way.” He gave me his all knowing head nod that I have come to know and love so well.

    But still, I’m having issues with it. The voices are yelling at me about it and just absolutely refuse to shut the hell up about the whole ordeal and I’m just so fucking tired of hearing them. Sometimes I just want to twist my head off and roll it down a long, steep hill somewhere, but let’s face it, I live in Indiana, north central Indiana and we get excited if we find a bump in the ground. This is the flatlands.

    I did write something about my uncle’s death though….

    Tribute to Uncle Carl (Died on 02/23/03)
    ©Stormy Stevens 2003


    I looked at him
    so still in death

    Casket open
    no life left

    I greeted family
    not seen in years

    All gathered together
    Each sharing tears

    After paying respects
    came reunions and such

    No one paid much attention to the dead,
    seemed he didn’t matter much

    We looked at pictures
    of times gone past

    Reliving memories
    I suppose will always last

    So we say goodbye
    to another family member

    Each of us entitled
    of how to remember.

    So I have to wonder how other family members will remember him because I know that I am not the only family member that was abused by him.

    During the funeral the minister said, “I went to see Carl in the hospital and he said to me, “There’s no use praying over me, I already KNOW I’m going to hell.” When the minister said that, my mind stuch on that statement. I can’t tell you what was said during the rest of the service. I cried continousley throughout the rest of the service without realizing it, my husband at my side, handing me tissues.

    What was on my mind was, “Did he KNOW he was going to hell because of all the abuse he reeked on me, his sons, his daughter, his wife, and my cousins and only Gods know who else? How many of my cousins sitting here today were thinking the same thing?” That is all I could think of. I didn’t come out of those thoughts until the funeral director touched my shoulder to tell my row that we could exit to our cars and when he touched me I about jumped out of my skin!

    I chose not to go to the graveside services. I couldn’t handle it. Oh, and did I mention that my uncle looked exactly like my dad who died on Dec. 23, 1985 when I first approched the coffin? For about five minutes, I was looking at my dad again and crying, reliving that moment all over again, but then I looked away and looked back and it was my uncle. My cousin Sandy, uncle’s daughter, came and stood beside me and we hugged, the kind of hug that only close cousins can hug, the mental connection that we have and we cried together. She whispered in my ear, “It was an entire replay of what happened to Uncle Bill.” Bill was my dad. The she said, He looks like Uncle Bill, doesn’t he. I agreed, even though now all I could see what the man that abused me, the man that I disgusted and just wanted, even in his death, to claw his eyes out and his skin off.

    When he died, we had a level three snow energency going on, which means that nothing was allowed on the road except emergency personal. Coroners are not emergency personal.

    So I thought about him, laying in a dark, locked drawer in the hospital’s morgue and I was convinced that the Powers that be hadn’t allowed him to leave his earthly body yet so he could see how it felt to be locked up, in the cold and dark with no way out. He knows what that feels like now.

    When I was little and had to live with them because daddy was again in detox and mom was off in some other state partying with her current boyfriend, too busy to worry about me, my uncle, as punishment, often locked me in the basement. No light and it was cold and damp. Nothing to sleep on except the concrete floor and nothing to cover up with. No toliet. Nothing. One meal a day and only if I didn’t climg the stairs before I heard the click of the lock. If I started up the stairs before then, he would open the door and take my food away and I wouldn’t get to eat that day. Sometimes, late at night, after he went to bed, his daughter, my cousin, would slip out of bed and slip me some food. She really put herself in jeprody doing this. If she’d ever been caught, she and I both knew she would have been beat with the razor strap within an inch of her life.

    So yeah, I was asking him, “Uncle, how does it feel to be locked up in the cold, clammy dark with no power to get out?” I think he deserved that. But he only had to deal with it for 48 hours. I had to deal with weeks at a time with it for punishment of something small such as accidently dropping a piece of silverware on the floor at dinnertime.

    Okay, enough about all that. I wrote another poem recently too since the voices refuse to SHUT UP since his death. They’ve been really loud and obnoxious because I’m trying to deal with my mixed emotions on this. Here’s the poem and then I am going to sign off for now.

    The Voices
    ©Stormy Stevens

    Voices in my head
    telling me I should be dead

    that I don’t deserve to live
    and that I have nothing to give

    They yell at me I’m worthless
    and the day I was born is cursed

    I was a mistake and
    I’m something to hate

    They scream at me to do this
    They scream at me to do that
    And when I refuse to listen
    My head feels like it’s going to crack

    There’s voices of both genders
    of all ages and of backgrounds
    I try to stay busy in order
    not to make a sound

    As long as they are
    in control there’s nothing
    I can do.

    –Listen up honey, we’re ALWAYS
    in control of you!