In order to get the chapters of the book, The Bare Essentials, by Stormy Stevens, ©March 17, 2004, You must email her at stormy5@localnet.com and request it. You will get Chapters 1 through 20 for free. All chapters after that will be $2.00 each so that I can get money together to help get my book published. All those that buy chapters as they get done will get a FREE SIGNED BOOK when it gets published!!

Watch this site for when each chapter is avaliable!

Chapters 1 through 20 avaliable on and after April 5, 2004 – FREE

All my postings can now be found at my original Xanga site. I decided that I would post both the good and the bad there. After all, I’m still me when I’m mood swinging. Right?

I have another site that is dedicated to Dissociative Identity Disorder, which my alters use as well.

So if you are subscribed here and you would like to keep up with me, and I hope you will, please subscribe to the following two sites so I can keep up with you too. The people that posted to me here were all so great and wonderful and I hope to get in touch with you all again.

Stormy SheWolf’s Site

DarkWolf’s Site (This is the DID site)

I hope to see you there!

Love,
Stormy

I’m not cheating tonight. I’m blogging on purpose on my site here. LOL.

I must admit, I’m looking forward to when my therapy starts being every other week. My next therapy appointment is on the 24th and that is when the every other week deal begins.

I’ve been working in my book, The Courage to Heal, faithfully and have worked through the entire thing with the exception of reading the personal stories in it. I’ve done all the exercises, ect. and I go back and do the exercises again and again because they are theraputic for me. I take the written work into therapy with me. It helps in my sessions a great deal.

I think that I mentioned in the post yesterday that I have started a walking regime. Well today I was thinking of stepping it up to an “Airborne Shuffle” instead of just walking. The “Airborne Shuffle” is basically a slow jog. It’s not really a jog, but a shuffle like movement. I think I could handle that and I think that would be even more effective for me then the walking is. I could always criss cross between the two as I can handle it, ya know? I also want to go up to two miles starting tomorrow. I’ve been doing a mile for two weeks now. I think it’s time to up the ante.

I can’t believe how good it feels to be able to get outside and move without running out of breath from smoking! It just feels good to be able to move as much as I am and know that I am burning calories and fat that I don’t want on my body. To know that I am getting healthy and doing something good for myself. It is even helping my mood swings which really surprized me. I’ve heard that exercise can do that but I never subscribed to the idea because I was always too damned lazy to try it! I think I’m a converted believer now.

I did hurt myself today though. I had sat on my ass all day here at the computer, not moving but very little (just getting up to throw laundry in the washer and dryer, to clean up the house, to go to the bathroom) and then I went on my usual walk after supper. I got what felt like shin splints!!!!!!! OMG they hurt!!!! I had no choice but to walk off the pain! I did some stretching and things as I moved and the pained ebbed away soon enough but I had no one but myself to blame for what happened.

But today I just FELT like sitting here working on graphics and that is excately what I did. I’m not sorry that I took a computer day today but I am sorry that I didn’t stretch out before I took off walking. At the very least I should have been doing stretches here at my desk. LOL

Am I boring you yet with all my *healthy* talk? I sure hope not. Its not very often that I am in one of these up cycles and I just want to share it with all of you. I hope that it is infectious and that maybe I can somehow inspire some of you to go out there and start your own walking regime. It’s hard to force yourself to do it but it is so worth the end results. Believe me on this one. There are still days I have to force myself to walk too. I wish I could force myself to get my happy ass out there in the morning AND after supper. I guess that is my next goal.

Have a good Sunday everyone and hey, if you have any exercise or health tips, would you please leave them in the comment for me? I would really appreciate it!

Hi folks! It’s been too long! I’m going to cheat on catching you up and just copy what I posted on my other Xanga site, www.xanga.com/stormy_she_wolf to catch up here too. I will try to catch up with everyone this week and next. Thanks for reading if you are still reading.

Love,
Stormy

Wow! I’ve seriously neglected my Xanga site here. I’m sorry to any of you that have stopped in to check on me! I hope you will forgive me.

Well, I’ve been up and down. Typical of a Bipolar, ya know? I’m surviving.

I quit smoking. I smoked my last one at noon on October first. I’ve been smoke free for 8 days, 8 hours and 45 minutes now. I’m feeling pretty good. I had a couple of really rough days, but those were the days that I had forgotten to take my Wellbutrin that I take for my Bipolar Disorder as soon as I got up.

My husband and I quit together and we went and got the patches. We used the patch on the first day and haven’t used them since.

My oldest son is quitting too. He smoked his last one yesterday. My neighbor and friend quit two days ago too! We started it and it had a ripple effect! Dream said she is quitting too! I’m so proud of her!

Well, my oldest son was FORCED to quit high school by a moronic judge in our town.

See, he has his tongue pierced like I do. Well the dumbass principal of the high school happened to see it when he was trying to jump my son’s ass for a hole that was in my son’s pants that he HAD SEWN UP! So they called me wanting me to force my son to remove it and when I refused they really got pissed off and suspended him for two days.

When you get suspended in this backwards county you have to go to a thing called day school and when you are sent there you have to go in front of the judge so he can degrade you and make you feel like a dog.

Well we go in front of this asshole judge and he had no intentions of sending my boy to the day school! He looks at my son as I am standing there next to him and he says, “You have two choices. You can either go to Jay County Juvinile Detention Center at the cost of $120 per day or you can withdrawl from school.”

Well the damned judge knows that we can’t afford $120 a day and besides that, I’m not about to ship my kid off to a juvi center – punishing him for having his tongue pierced! He did NOTHING wrong!

So when I stood behind my son instead of cowering down to the judge and echoed my son’s answer it really pissed the judge off and he yelled at me, “You’re a bad parent!” and then he yelled at my son, “And you’re wasting your life!” I looked right back at him and told him, “That’s your opinion!” and he said, “And it’s the right one.” Can you believe this asshole’s audacity?!

The judge and I exchanged quite a few more words and he threatened to hold me in contempt of court and I yelled at him, “You don’t have the grounds to hold me in contempt of court!” That’s when he got totally flustered with me and screamed for us to get out of HIS courtroom to which I replied, “It’s not YOUR courtroom, it belongs to the taxpayers, the same ones that pay your salary! Goodbye! Then my son and I walked out of there and I made sure to slam the door on my way out.

So we were going to enroll him in the school in the county next to us but since we missed the *count date* which means that the school can’t get the $3500 to $4000 in state money for my son being in thier school and because my son left our school system on “disciplinary problems” they “probably wouldn’t vote to enroll him this year.” That is what the superintendent of that school system told us. He wasn’t shitty about it or anything like that. I totally understood where he was coming from and all that but still I thought it was pretty damned shitty.

So now we know that my boy is eligible right now to take his GED test, and that is what he wants to do. So we are getting that set up and once he takes that and passes it and the lady we talked to said that since he scored so high on his ISTEP tests, he won’t have any problems passing a GED, then he will be done with high school all together and will be working on college credits at the Career center.

He is going to try to find a job somewhere but its hard to find a job anywhere around here until you are 18 so we will just have to wait to see how that goes.

I’m upset because I feel that his last high school years were stolen from him. He isn’t upset about getting out of that school though. He hated it with a passion. I think that is why he is so gungho about taking his GED and being done with it all together.

We talked to the lady at the Vetrens & Workforce and she gave me the number to legal aide and wants us to call them because she believes we have a lawsuit. The school hasn’t made anyone else go to day school or anything like that for their tongue piercings. They singled my son out. So we are going to call them and talk to one of their attorneys and see what is going on. I hope we can sue their asses! I hope there is a way to include that f**king judge too! I would love to sue his ass!

Okay, hm… what else? OH!!!!!!!!!!! I’m getting a Chihuahua!!

The mother is due to go into heat any time now, if she hasn’t already, but she will be pregnant before the end of the month which means the babies will be born in December and then weaned by February. Four months!  Gods, the next four months is going to be the longest four months of my life! I feel like I am waiting for my baby to be born!!!!!!!!!

I even have my names picked out already! If I get a boy, his name will be Bane. It’s Hawaiian and means “Long awaited child.”  If I get a girl, her name will be Amata Lonie (pronouced as one word – Ah-ma-ta-lo-ne). Amata is spanish and means “beloved” and Lonie was my hubby’s grandmother’s name. She adored animals just as my hubby and I do and she would have loved to have had a little dog like a Chihuahua when she was alive.

I went to the library today and found two books on Chihuahuas and checked them both out. I have learned a lot about them that I had no idea about them. They are very intelligent dogs and can learn almost anything you want to teach them and they really quick too. I learned how best to feed them and all about their body systems and things like that. I always do this when I am getting a new *family member*. I think everyone should do it if they are getting or just got an animal that they *can* research.

I’m getting this little bundle of joy for free too. The lady that breeds them doesn’t charge for her babies. She just wants her babies to go to good homes with people that want them because they love them and not because they just want them to win awards, etc. They are full blooded but you don’t get the papers or anything like that with them. They are not registered and I don’t care. I don’t want one for that in the first place. I’ve just always wanted one because I think they are so precious!

Now if I can just find my hubby his English Bulldog we’ll be good and done with the animal part of our family. We want to adopt an English Bulldog so bad that we can’t see straight and we need a decently young one so it will be easier to acclimate it to the dogs that we have now.

Hey, if there is anyone out there that has an English Bulldog they would let us adopt (and we don’t want one for show or anything like that, we just want one to love) let me know, I will make the trip! It will get a wonderful, loving home. We spoil our babies something awful. LOL.

I’ve been sticking with my therapy. It’s going okay. Starting on the 24th I will be seeing my therapist every other week. I’ve only seen her monthly up to now. Her schedule was messed up and I didn’t ask for more frequent visits and she finally pushed to have more frequent visits with me so I agreed to every other week and we set up appointments for the rest of the year.

My meds were upped, I believe, since I last wrote. I’m on 600mg of Wellbutrin a day; 20mg of Lexapro; 300mg of Topamax and 180mg of Geodon. It’s working out pretty well for me. I’m really happy that I have the Wellbutrin. I KNOW it’s really helping me on the no smoking deal – so it’s pulling double duty.

Have you read any good books lately? I recently read Nora Roberts Witch trilogy that was AWESOME and I normally don’t read her book because she is a romance writer, but these books were awesome. “Dance upon Air” is the first one and I can’t think of the other two off the top of my head, but they are really good!

I’m trying to finish “When Rabbit Howls” by The Troops for Truddi Chase right now, it’s a slow read for me because I have to put it down several times, but I’m making my way through it. When I finish it I plan on reading my way through the rest of Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum series and then her new “Full” series. I just bought the third book in that series this month.

I have a huge pile of new books that I have bought and haven’t even cracked the spine on yet! They are books that I have read reviews on, that’s been on the best seller’s list at the time I’ve bought them, ect. and I’ve let them pile up. I’ll get to them though. I’m never at a loss for something to read though.

I’ve started a walking routine. I have to have physical therapy on my hip because it pops out of place due to a bad (possibly ripped) tendon and the muscle that runs diagnally across the thigh is like jelly and I have to strengthen it up. So walking is part of that physical therapy. I’m up to walking a mile each time I walk now and I usually manage to walk at least once a day and sometimes I manage to walk twice a day. It feels so good to me and it gives me something to be proud of myself for. I’m going to move up to two miles soon.

I will be starting the rest of my physical therapy soon. It will consist of different movements as well as a shock therapy and an ultrasound therapy on the muscle and tendon.

Well I think I have caught everything up for now. I’ll try to keep up better. Thanks for coming back around. I really appreciate it. I’m going to try to get around to everyone on my SIR list this week and next.

Have a great day everyone!

I had a decent therapy session on the 30th. I still can’t believe that she does Saturday appointments.

We talked about the last appointment just for a few minutes and I think she sort of got the hint that I didn’t want to talk about it and she let it go.

She has me working through the book, Courage to Heal, by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis and in this book there are writing exercises. Well, I do the exercises as I come to them and I save them and take them to her. This time she read over, real quick, what I had written and agreed with me that I was mean to my *child within*. So we talked about that for a bit and I’ve just got it in my head that I should have been able to say no and stop the abuse somehow when I was little and so I’m really pissed off at my child within.

We talked about my multiple personality disorder a little bit, not a whole lot but a little and the fact that this exercise of the child within triggered that.

The exercise really sparked off a lot in me and I was honest with her about it and told her about it.

We talked about quite a bit this time.

She wants me to start writing about the things that I can remember happening. I told her they are so horrible though but she said she could handle it. So I guess I will write that stuff out. I already wrote one thing out — when my cousins hung me on the wall in a sleeping bag out in the garage and left me for hours. I don’t know how long I was out there but it was so long that I couldn’t walk when the finally come and got me because of how I had been on my legs. I remember that incident like it happened yesterday! *shudder* I hate places with concrete walls and especially hate garages. It was a seriously messed up situation.

I wonder if it would be cathartic for me to type my things out and share them here too? I was writing them out long hand, but I need to type them because I am going to need to include them in my autobiography anyway since they happened. Right?

Have I ever told you about one of my alters? Her name is DarkWolf. She is a very strong protector if I had to describe her. — I’m learning about my multiple personality disorder. Other personalities are called alters. I have two that I am aware of — that we – my pdoc, my therapist and I have come to know. They are DarkWolf, the strong protector and Chrissy, the child. She is about 6 years old. She won’t tell us her exact age yet.

Anyway, DarkWolf has her own Xanga site and has for quite sometime.

She’s very harsh and brazen. She will tell you right up front that she is a bitch not to be toyed with. I guess she feels that she has to be that way in order to be tough. I guess she has to feel tough in order to be the protector.

Hey, I’m no psychiatrist or psychologist, I’m just applying what I have learned. I can talk to my alters a little here and there. I’m not too comfortable doing it yet, but I have a friend who suffers with the same thing and she is helping me.

I hope you are having a good day. I will talk to you soon.

I’ve decided to give my therapist another try. I’m not real sure that I want to but I’m going to. My next appointment is this coming Saturday, the 30th. I have a pdoc appointment on Friday, the 29th.

I’ve been pretty down since my last therapy session and can’t seem to pull out of the funk. I’m not totally stuck in the marsh of depression but I’m not all sunshine and smiles either. I wish I would have a good hypomanic cycle and then I wouldn’t have to feel any pain at all. *sigh*

I think about shit too much. I wish I could just not think. Just turn the old brain off for awhile, ya know? But I can’t. It runs constantly. I can’t stop it. There are constant thoughts and pictures in it… thoughts and pictures that I don’t want in there. The more I resist them the more there are of them.

I fucking hate being like this! I hate my past! I hate my present! I’ll probably hate my future too!

SHIT. I didn’t mean for this to turn into another bad blog.

Well it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged. Things just haven’t been all roses and sunshine.

I had my third session with the therapist yesterday and it went really, really, really bad. I’m upset at her. I’m upset with myself. I’m upset with the whole fucking world right now.

I feel like my whole world is falling apart and I have absolutely no power to keep it together! I *HATE* feeling like this!

Since my therapy session yesterday I have been depressed and teary. I did manage to take my meds today but of course, I didn’t feel any different.

I ended up yelling and crying in therapy yesterday — I just totally lost any and all composure that I had. I felt 500 times worse when I left then when I went in and I am seriously considering NEVER going back!

Right now I hate her! I’m so pissed off at her that I can’t see straight. I don’t want to see or talk to her.

I wanted to trust her. I wanted to be able to talk to her. I wanted to get help.

I feel like I have once again been slapped in the face for asking for help!

I wish like hell I could describe every word and everything that transpired yesterday but I can’t. All I can say is that it went very, very, very WRONG.

I feel like I should have NEVER opened my mouth. I will never trust anyone again, I can tell you that much.

I came home crying, I couldn’t even talk to anyone here at home, I just went straight to my bedroom and locked myself up and bawled.

My husband came back to find out what happened and I told him and he ended up sounding just like her and that pissed me off too! I feel like everyone is out to get me now.

So in order to escape the pain I did what I have always done… ever since I knew how…. I lost myself in the world of a book because I couldn’t force myself to go to sleep without the events replaying themselves over and over in my mind.

I read and read and read yesterday. I got totally absorbed in the world I was reading about… the characters, etc. I left my plane of exsistance and went into the book’s and that is where I stayed until the end of the book and then I immediately jumped into another. I fell asleep reading.

I didn’t feel any better this morning when I woke up either. If anything I am just more horrified by yesterday’s events that transpired in my therapist’s office.

Why in the hell did I ever think I could talk to her? What in the hell made me think that I could trust her not to hurt me?

I will never trust again and I am still unsure as to whether I will go back to her.

My husband wants me to and says that I need to. She told me she hoped that I would come back. Why? Why should I? She doesn’t care. I’m just a paycheck to her.

Cynical? Yeah, just a bit. I’m mad. I’m hurt. I’m disgusted. I feel betrayed. I’m terrified. I’m depressed over all of it. I wish I would have never, never, NEVER opened my damned mouth!

GODS I WAS SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally called the psychologist that my psychiatrist wants me to go to for therapy and made my first, initial appointment with her.

I go to see her on this coming Wednesday, July 23rd.

I’m really nervous about it. In all honesty, I’m downright scared about it.

Just the idea that I am going to be talking about my past and opening up wounds that I have kept buried inside for so long scares the living hell out of me and I wonder how I am going to be able to handle it.

I go to see my regular pdoc on Friday too, so that is good. It’s like right after seeing her. I think he will be pleased that I finally bit the bullet and went and seen her.

It certainly took me long enough to get the courage up to call her and set the appointment to go!

I was honest with her on the phone too (oh yeah, she answers her own phone!!), and told her that I was scared to death about coming and seeing her. She asked me to just not stand her up and I promised her that I wouldn’t and I won’t either.

But I’m terrified. What if I can’t open up to her? What if I can’t bring myself to talk about anything? *sigh* I know I need her help. I know she won’t hurt me and that she is there to help. So why in the hell am I so scared?

14 days since my last blog. That is exactly two weeks. Imagine that.

We went camping on the 2nd and came home on the 5th. We would have stayed until the 6th but we got flooded out. Hell, all of Indiana, it seems, is getting flooded. We certainly have had the lion’s share of the rain this week!

The camping trip was, dare I say it, fun! I enjoyed it immensely! It was just what I needed. It was what D and I BOTH needed… we needed to get away from here. It refreshed both of us.

I got my meds finally and am now back on them full time! I am doing so much better! I’m back to my regular self… the self that is doing very well. The one that can concentrate, the one that is creative, the one that is full of energy and gets things done, ect., ect.

I have my pdoc appointment tomorrow afternoon and to be honest with you, at this very moment… 4:07 AM, I don’t want to go. I don’t want to take the time to go. I know I have to though. I just hate to leave the house. I would rather stay home and stay inside.

I know, I know. That’s the agoraphobia talking, but I can’t help it. Hey, at least I am doing better in those other aspects… just not the agoraphobia one all the time. The camping trip was a MAJOR coo for me, you see?! I was away from home for THREE DAYS AND NIGHTS!!!! Yeah, I got antsy and anxious but I steadied myself and did NOT have a full blown panic attack so I am pretty proud of that!

We were around a lot of people on the beach too. The only time I got really panic-y is on the 4th when the teenagers were shooting fireworks at each other and were just not being safe with them. Fireworks make me a nervous wreck anyway as it is. I finally had to get up and go inside the club house because I couldn’t take it anymore and then that didn’t suffice either and I ended up having to go back down to our campsite to get away from all the commotion. But over all the whole trip went rather well.

Anyway, I got off track. I *AM* going to my appointment, I just hate taking the time and energy to do it. LOL. Its really not funny. I suppose that I am making excuses for my not wanting to leave the house.

Every time I go to see him I feel like I am going to the principal’s office or something and I don’t know why. He’s never once done anything that would cause me to feel that way. He has never been judgmental of me or anything like that and he has never threatened me. I don’t know why I get feelings of trepidation when I go to see him. He’s the nicest guy you’d ever want to meet and I get very upset with myself because I feel like I do. Its unwarrented, but I can’t seem to make myself stop it! Grrr! I get mad at myself for it, ya know?

Anyway, I’ll be going there today and I *am* scared that he will be a little put off by the fact that I upped my wellbutrin without asking him first. Maybe that is why I have this feeling of doom and gloom. I can’t remember if I had talked to him about wanting to up it the last time I seen him or not. *sigh* Well, if he doesn’t like it then he can tell me to back off on it, but I have had incredible results since raising my dosage along with taking the Geodon. Surly, he will see that. I hope so anyway.

Well folks I am going to go for now. I am cleaning out my computer. I’m getting a new tower/hard drive tomorrow from the place I have my computer through because this one SUCKS! I have had to burn EVERYTHING to disc… not an easy task with as much stuff as I have on this thing, lemme tell ya! But, I got that part done. Now I am just clearing things off here that I don’t want anyone else to get hold of. FUN, FUN, FUN…. NOT. LOL

I hope everyone out there is doing well! Talk to you soon!

I blogged on my SheWolf site but not my Tempress site today. I didn’t have much I was mad about. LOL

I’m doing okay. Been having a rough few weeks though without my Topomax. I’ll be getting it today or tomorrow though along with my Geodon. Thank the Goddess! I need them both!

I’ve been in an okay mood cycle, just have had problems sleeping without the Topomax. I ran out of Geodon yesterday after taking my morning dose. Feeling it today too!

Thanks to all who complimented me on my last poem. It just came out. Yes, I am the author of it, btw.

Well, not much to say. I said more on my Shewolf site. Have a fantastic day and weekend!

My love to all!